


Infinity

by magicalcookie664



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gore, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, Minor Character Death, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Sickfic, Whump, possible smut later idk, possibly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-01-21 07:37:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21295886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicalcookie664/pseuds/magicalcookie664
Summary: My wattpad Greenflame book."9 years ago, Lord Garmadon pushed his 8 year old son into a wardrobe and tried to kill him. He failed."Lloyd's haunted by his past, barely managing to appear normal in front of the team. He has no idea how to love. After what his father did, he has every reason to hate people. Yet Kai is different. Kai cares.Kai is in love with Lloyd. He wants to help him, fix the broken parts. Save him. He wants to do the impossible. But Kai's broken too, and it begins to show in little ways, cracks in his happiness, dark black oil leaking through the holes in his heart.Can broken fix broken? Or will they just fall even more apart?
Relationships: Cole/Jay Walker, Lloyd Garmadon & Misako, Lloyd Garmadon/Kai
Comments: 14
Kudos: 81





	1. Late

Lloyd is late for breakfast, as usual. He always sleeps in. Is become a habit of his, one he can't quite manage to get out of. It's 8:37 am. He was supposed to be awake half an hour ago. 

Lloyd rolls on his side, yawning, the dream he's just awoken from still flicking behind his eyes. Wooden floor. Crimson, dripping everywhere. An empty beer can half crushed on Ye carpet. His life seeping through the holes in his wrists. 

He blinks, groaning quietly when his gaze falls upon the alarm clock beside his bed - did the alarm go off? Why doesn't he ever hear it? He's late for breakfast. Again. 

"Shit.." he curses, sliding out of bed, another yawn pulling itself from his throat. No matter how long he sleeps for he's never quite ready to wake up. 

He slides out of his pyjamas, half folding them and lazily pushing them beneath his pile of pillows. He changes into day clothes, his Marvel T-shirt, green hoodie, and jeans. He passes a brush through his tousled hair and moves to leave the room, looking fairly presentable. Good enough. 

The dream - nightmare, really - is already beginning to fade. Like an old memory.... something it really is. Almost every night, he finds himself plagued with the same horror. When he was 8 his father tried to kill him. It was pretty. Those things seldom are. 

On the way towards the dining room, he moves his fingers to his wrist, unconsciously touching his fingertips to the shiny scarred tissue that rests there. It's another one of his habits, he usually does when he's anxious. Ikr now. Like most days, since he was possessed by Morro. That was months ago now, but it's left him slightly more paranoid than he would like to be. 

That being said, paranoia isn't new for him. Since his dad... he's been waiting for something else to throw itself at him, intent with ending his life. What's wrong with his life? Is he tainted in some way? If he is, why does he always seem to be the last to know these things? 

The others have nearly finished eating by the time he arrives. He's treated with the usual remarks of "sleeping in again, are we nephew?" From Sensei and mentions of 'wet dreams' and other crap from Jay. It's practically the same every morning. The others are beginning to plan things to say. 

Lloyd takes his seat next to Kai, sighing heavily. "Sorry I'm late. Slept in," he mumbles. The words feel familiar in his mouth. He's done this all before. Too many times. It's like every morning he's replaying a pre-recorded tape. He knows how it ends. 

"When will you admit it, Lloyd?" Jay demands, grinning widely, leaving slightly over the table to get closer to him. 

"Admit what?" Lloyd questions, eyeing Jay warily, his expression guarded. 

"You know what I'm talking about," Jay replies, his electric blue eyes glittering. 

"No, I don't. Tell me," Lloyd snaps, grabbing a piece of toast and accidentally crushing it between his fingers. Parts of crunchy slightly burnt bread fall out of his hand and onto his plate. 

"Jay, stop it," Cole says, his lips twitching into a grin,"He's had enough jokes for now,"

Jay raises an eyebrow, as if to say 'really?' , before switching his attention back to Lloyd. "Just admit you wanna be ducked and life will be so much easier," he says, taking a swig of his OJ. 

Senses shakes his head in disappointment. 

Lloyd fixes Jay with a half glare, everything about him portraying disgust,"I don't wanna be fucked, Jay. I'm not like you. Sorry to disappoint," He doesn't look a tiny bit sorry. 

"Oh? Really?" Jay questions, his eyebrows shooting up. He leans back in his chair, sliding his fingers into Cole's,"What a shame,"

Lloyd turns his attention to his food, shoving the conversation to the back of his head. Jay is so inappropriate! It's funny at times, but currently it's just irritating. And Lloyd doesn't like to be irritated. It reminds him of when the scars on his wrists were fresh, only just stitched up, halfway towards a scab and halfway towards the opposite, whatever that would've been. They itches like hell. He hadn't been allowed to scratch them after doing so and tearing the stitches. His chest feels tight, thinking about it. About his past, a terrible slash of insanity staining his soul. He has every reason to hate people. 

"Lloyd! Earth to Lloyd! Helloooo~" 

He jumps, knocking his knife to the floor. His heart is hammering in his chest, and the bitter taste of anxiety blooms on his tongue. 

Kai is looking at him, his face twisted slightly in confusion, his hazel eyes shining with concern. "Hey,"

"Hey," Lloyd replies, with a sigh. He must've disappeared into his own head again. He does it lot without much control or much realisation. His brain just takes him somewhere and that's it. Bye-bye coherent Lloyd until he's pulled out again. 

"What was that?" Jay asks, his mouth curved into a half smirk. 

"Nothing," Lloyd replies, tersely, pocketing a slice of toast before pushing his chair back and standing up. "I'm done. See you for training," he tells them, turning to leave. 

"Hey, wait!" Kai exclaims, reaching out to grab Lloyd's arm, his expression both hurt and confused. 

Lloyd moves away quickly, his heartbeat speeding up,"I said I'm done," he repeats, voice hard, face stony. No one protests as he leaves. 

As soon as Lloyd disappears through the door that leads to the passage outside, Kai sighs, his eyes dropping to the ground "what's up with him?" Kai mutters, swivelling to face Cole and Jay. 

The earth ninja shrugs,"No clue. He's always been like that, though, hasn't he? Distant. That's our Lloyd,"

Kai shakes his head, his expression mournful,"No. Something's changed," He turns his head back to the door, as if expecting the blonde to walk through it. 

Nothing happens, of course. 

Jay shrugs, finishing his juice,"He just needs a dick in him,"

"Would you shut up about sex, already!" Kai yells, shoving his chair behind him,"I'm done too. Bye," he shoots a glare at Jay before leaving the room, blushing a little. 

Lloyd opens his door, stumbles inside, and pushes the door closed behind him. He flops down onto his bed, feeling drained. Being with people does that to him. He doesn't know why. He closes his eyes, wondering when the buzzing in his head will stop. 

In his head, shining silver blades press down on his skin, tearing it open. His father does it agin, pushing him back against the wood of the wardrobe. 

An animal-like whimper escapes from him. 

Crimson slicks down his wrists, coating the floor. His hands are stained with it. Blood: terrible sin. War paint, plastered across his body in glistening stripes. 

No-

"Lloyd, can I come in?" Kai asks, knocking on Lloyd's door. He can see that it's open, but he doesn't want to just barge I. It'd be rude. "Lloyd? Buddy? You in there?"

Lloyd rolls over in bed, facing the door. "Who is it?" He manages, his voice trembling slighting. Images of his past flicker behind his eyes. Red. Slice. Scream. Help. Dad. Why. 

"It's Kai. Can I come in?" The voice tells him. He wonders whether he can trust Thai voice. It could so easily be lying, this thin slither of sound. 

"Come in," someone with his voice says. He finds himself sitting up, his body and mind disconnected, if only for a second. He blinks, sighs, blinks again. Years seem to pass in the space of seconds. 

The door opens. Kai stands in the doorway, his gaze tentative. "Hey, greenie. You alright?"

No. "Yeah. You?" Lloyd replies, patting the bed space beside him, indicating that Kai join him. 

He does, and the bed strains and groans under the added weight. Kai turns to Lloyd, a flimsy smile stretching his lips. "I'm good. Life's fine. Could do without Jay's newfound love in sex, though,"

Lloyd nods, a small smile finding its way onto his face,"Yeah. He and Cole are... whatever you can that, aren't they?" He questions. 

"Boyfriends?" Kai suggests, grinning wider. 

Lloyd shrugs dismissively,"Yeah. Something like that,"

Kai glances at the door, then back to Lloyd,"You ever had a boyfriend before?"

Lloyd shakes his head, his gaze falling to the floor. He can't think about boyfriends at this point. He just... wants- Kai? A friend? Life? Love? He doesn't know. His brain is a spiral of confusing thoughts, images, things that never happened mashed with things that he wishes never did. 

His brain is: momwhereareyoudadstopithurtsimscaredhelpmemomimissyouninjagoninjaneverquitleavemealoneidontneedyouidontwantthisgreengoldendragonnevertrustasnaketommorrowsteaimsoscaredletmesleephiimlloyd

And his heart is: momkaisenseifamilyalone

"Me neither," Kai remarks,"But I'd like to," he says, looking at Lloyd's face. Just looking, taking in everything. Marvelling in the way his green eyes catch the light, in the way that his blonde hair points slightly more in one direction than in the other. Marvelling in him. 

Lloyd yawns. "I'm tired," he mumbles, lying down, resting his head in the middle of the pillows. His eyes flutter closed. 

"Oh..." Kai whispers, his eyes moving to the curled up green ninja. "Do you want me to leave?" He asks, getting ready to stand up. 

"No," Lloyd murmurs, pressing his face into his knees, curling them against his chest,"I want you to stay.." 

Kai stays. He remains on the end of Lloyd's bed, watching the green ninja sleep until noon, his expression unreadable. 

He loves Lloyd. But Lloyd is such a complicated person, he can't tell whether his feeling are reciprocated. 

He hopes they are.


	2. Smile

"Just eat the bloody carrots, Lloyd!" Lord Garmadon demands, his red eyes slitted. He sits opposite his 7 year old son at the dinner table, his patience - what patience? - wearing thin. Misako is out working, and so it falls to him to make sure their son stays alive. 

Lloyd sits across from him, his short thin form too small for the chair and his wide green eyes too big for his face. He glares down at his plate, shaking his head. "No. I don't want to," he whines, pushing his plate of barely touched food away from him. 

"Eat the carrots! For fucks sake you little shit, just eat the bloody food!" Garmadon roars, slamming his palms down on the table. His breath is coming out in rushed, uneven gasps. He's just so angry. 

Lloyd shrinks back in his chair, bringing his legs up to his chest. He barely breathes, keeping his eyes fixed on his irate father. Fear twists a knot in his stomach. He doesn't say anything. 

Garmadon stands up, shoving Lloyd's plate of food into the tiled dining room floor. The China plate shatters, spraying its shards across the floor. He moves around the table, reaching his son. 

Lloyd looks up at him, wrapping his arms around his legs, bringing them as close to himself as he can. Curling in. Any way to protect himself. "Daddy?" He whispers, his voice thin, fragile, a delicate petal that if tugged at too hard, will float away in the breeze. 

Garmadon slaps him, hard, across the face. "If you won't eat, then I won't feed you for a week! How's that sound?" He snarls, turning away, his foot stamping on a small piece of China plate. 

Lloyd sinks down in his chair, holding his small hand against his stinging cheek. His lip is bleeding, just a little. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to keep the tears inside. He hates crying. It makes him feel naked, open, every private part of his soul thrown out for the world to see. He doesn't trust the world. Not one bit. 

After 5 or 10 or 1,000 minutes of sitting there, curled into himself, silently crying, he opens his eyes. He wipes the tears from them and the blood on his face into his sleeve. He glances at the floor, where the broken parts of his plate lie, scattered among the tiles. There's a pool of cold gravy, gross and lumpy. Next to it, is a single, squishes carrot. He fixes his blurry gaze on that, and disconnects from his body. 

He doesn't care where his brain takes him. Anywhere. Anywhere but here. 

Back in the present, 17 year old Lloyd wakes up, his body curled in on itself, just like 10 years ago. It's his favourite position; it makes him feel safe and secure. It takes a few minutes for him to remember who he is, where he is. 

"Hey," someone greets him, their voice soft, kind, familiar in every way. 

Lloyd sits up slowly, blinking a few times. His eyes meet those of Kai, his best friend. "Hey..." he mumbles, fingering his wrist again. 

"You sleep for a long time, don't you?" Kai remarks, with a dazzling smile. He managed to skip training, telling Sensei that Lloyd was ill and he was taking care of him. Lloyd will probably kill him for it; he knows how much Lloyd likes training. 

"I guess so.." Lloyd replies, frowning slightly. He hasn't dreamt of that evening when he was 7 in a while. That was back when he used to scare mom all the time. Not intentionally, of course. He just didn't feel like eating, so he didn't eat. And he didn't feel like sleeping, so he didn't sleep. Misako had sent him to multiple doctors about it, who were equally flabbergasted and concerned. Lloyd hadn't cared. It never lasted more than one or two weeks. It was just what he did, who he was. And that was fine. 

"I kinda told Sensei you were ill.. I didn't want to wake you up for training.." Kai explains sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck,"I know you like training. Sorry.." 

"It's fine.." Lloyd answers, staring at his hands. He doesn't really feel like doing anything. 

"Do you want me to bring you in some food? It's kinda lunchtime," Kai continues, moving to get up. 

Lloyd shakes his head. He doesn't feel like eating. His dream about his dad kinda wrecked that. "No," he says, sighing. 

Kai sits back down again, forehead creased with worry. He reaches out and touches his fingers to Lloyd's hand. "You okay?" He asks, his eyes locking with Lloyd's bug, sad green ones. 

Lloyd doesn't say anything. All he can think is this: Dad's hair was the same colour as Kai's. Dark brown. He blinks, and there he is, Lord Garmadon. A blade in each hand, his breath reeking of alcohol. He pushes his weight down on Lloyd, pressing him against wood, his spine grinding up against it. 

"Daddy? What are you doing?" Lloyd asks, confused, his unscarred wrists lying limp by his sides. Even now, he doesn't fight. He never thought his father would go that far. 

"Lloyd? Hey? Greenie? Can you hear me?" Someone calls, their voice echoing, bouncing off every wall inside Lloyd's head. 

Garmadon doesn't say anything, just draws the blade across Lloyd's skin. 

He cries out. 

"Lloyd!" 

Someone's shaking him, bringing him back to his senses but by bit. He opens his eyes - when did he close them? He's sitting, trembling, on his bed, his entire body shaking. 

"What's wrong?" Kai asks,"You... you yelled.." he tells him, everything about him portraying utter concern. 

Lloyd opens his mouth to speak but all that comes out is a whimper. They come without warning, the flashback. One minute he's here and the next .. he's thrown into the pain of the past. A place he despises so much. 

"Can I hug you?" Kai whispers, his eyes low, posture tentative. Waiting, expecting. 

Lloyd nods. Yes. Please hug me. Please- His brain feels overloaded with everything he wants to say. But his voice won't obey him. 

Kai hugs the green ninja, enveloping him gently in his arms. "You're safe, buddy," he murmurs, pressing his face into Lloyd's soft hair. 

"Safe," Lloyd whispers, as if he doesn't quite understand the word,"T..thank you, Kai," he hugs back. 

"You're welcome, cutie," Kai replies, blushing, just a little. He loves it when Lloyd's this sweet. It's adorable. Kai smiles too, just thinking about it. God.. he really is in crazy in love. 

*

How Cole and Jay end up making out during training is a long story. Since Lloyd and Kai were sleeping or whatever 'taking care of' means (Jay kept insisting sex, though Cole didn't think that was it), they had the entire arena to themselves. Zane was out somewhere with Pixal, so that ruled out pretty much all 'distractions.' 

They'd been pretending to fight each other without elemental powers. It went like this:

Cole throws a terribly sexy punch at Jay, who jumps out of the way, his bright blue eyes fixated on Cole's face. 

Cole smirks,"You know I'm gonna win, Bluebell~" he sends another punch Jay's way. 

The ninja of lightning dodges once again, his lips curved into a cocky smile,"Oh? Really?" He steps back, his eyes never leaving Cole's. 

Cole advances, one step forward. "Yes. Really," he says, his expression certain. 

Jay steps back. "Uh huh?" He presses, smirking. 

Cole steps forward,"Yeah.. you sexy idiot," Another step forward. 

Jay steps back, smacking into the wall behind him with a little gasp. He continues to gaze up at Cole, his grin exuberant. 

Cole moves closer to him, placing his palms on the wall either side of his head. He just gazed down at him, expression hungry. "I could fuck you right here, Jay Walker~" he purrs, inching his face closer. 

Jay nods rapidly,"Go ahead. I'm not gonna stop you,"

Cole moves his right hand from the wall and strokes a finger down Jay's cheek. "Mm.. Sensei might.." he murmurs, his face so close that their noses are almost brushing. "Don't think he'd like that very much, do you?"

Jay whines, very quietly,"But I'd like it. Who cares about Sensei? I want you, Cole," he's trembling, a tiny bit, his pupils blown wide with want. 

"I know you'd like it. Don't be a whiny bitch," Cole replies, puffing out his warm breath onto Jay's face. 

"Coleee~ come onnn~" Jay whines, scrunching his eyes up in impatience. He knows they should be training.. that Sensei will destroy their souls (not literally) if he finds out. But he's stopped caring, his brain clouded with desire. His mind is screaming: Cole Cole Cole Cole Cole Cole Cole Cole 

And he wants to listen. 

"Shhh, bluebell," Cole whispers, pressing his finger against Jay's lips, silencing him,"You're being too loud,"

Jay opens his mouth around Cole's finger, giving it a lick. "Mmm.. noice.." he murmurs, sucking at it. It's a flavour he's oddly used to. It must've been all the fuc - aHeM - making love they have done over the past few weeks that they have been together. It's already becoming habit. 

Cole gasps, his eyes widening,"Jay.." he groans, moving his other hand to wrap it around the lightning ninja's waist. 

Jay smirks, as best he can with Cole's finger inside his mouth, and begins swirling his tongue around expertly, producing a few crude sucking sounds. 

"Godd.. you should suck me tonight, Jay," Cole murmurs, closing his eyes and grinning. 

Jay let's go of Cole's finger with an anticlimactic pop. "Maybe I will, boulderbrain~ " he purrs, moving closer to Cole. 

"You better, bluebell~" he replies, his voice silky and seductive in nature. He can't take his eyes off his boyfriend. How is he this lucky? After all the mess their friendship got in during their fight over Nya.. he hadn't been sure whether they'd ever see each other the same way again. And now- 

Jay kisses him, desperate, hungry, his lips sloppily grazing Cole's, his mouth slightly open. 

Cole growls quietly, pressing Jay against the wall, immediately falling into the kiss with equal vigour. He prods Jay's lips further open with his tongue, tasting his breath. 

Jay slips his hand up Cole's shirt, his fingers sliding over his skin. "Gawd..." he moans, biting onto Cole's lip playfully. They can't be any louder- 

Cole moans loudly, pushing his tongue into Jay's mouth, his crotch brushing against his boyfriend's. 

Rip Kai and Lloyd's innocence - if they even still have it? Jay doesn't know, nor does he care. All that matters is this. Right. Now. This. Glorious. Moment. He slips his fingers into Cole's hair as they continue to make out, a moan or sigh escaping one of them every few seconds. Jay can't help thinking that if heaven did exist, this is what it would feel like. Happiness and love and desire and pleasure- too many emotions exploding inside him, setting his heart alight as if it were constructed from timber wood and gasoline. And he can't breathe and his pulse is skyrocketing, exploring new heights. And god, Cole's mouth against his and their tongues twining and Cole's hand in his pants. And- Oh-

He can't breathe. 

He's flying. 

He's drunk on Cole. 

The earth ninja pulls his mouth away, pressing their foreheads together, his breaths coming out in irregular pants. "God.." he groans,"I love you.." 

Ha pulls him into a kiss once more, his lips parting under Cole's. 

"Ahem," Sensei Wu clears his throat, breaking their trance. 

Cole and Jay jump apart, their faces flaming. "Uh.. oh..." Cole mumbles, his eyes wide. 

"Ohhh.. shit.." Jay curses, laughing anxiously,"Hi Sensei.. how's life?"

"Are you quite finished?" Sensei question, his voice forbidding. 

They both nods, blushing profusely. 

"Then I suggest you get started on the deck. You have the entire ship to clean, after all," Sensei tells them, before turning his back to them and walking back inside. 

Cole and Jay both groan. 

Not again.


	3. The beach

"D'you wanna go somewhere, greenie?" Kai asks, looking up from his phone screen, switching his gaze onto Lloyd, the thin form of green ninja, lying beside him. 

"Where would be go?" Lloyd questions, turning his head to face Kai, his expression quizzical,"I don't wanna go where there's lots of people,"

"I dunno. It's up to you," Kai tells him, with a smile,"I'll go anywhere you want to go,"

"The sea," Lloyd says, immediately,"I- I mean, the beach," he used to go to the beach when he was younger. He'd stay there for hours, standing by the waves, watching the water in awe, scattering his footprints across the sand. It was where he went to get away from his life, from his father, from his pain. Also, it was beautiful. 

Beautiful things have a soothing effect against ugly things, he's found. Pain is an ugly bugger, a witches cackle, a poison tipped arrow, a strangled dying shriek. But the sea... it's blue.. just blue.. glittering in the sun, like an ocean full of crystals. Utterly beautiful. Dazzlingly so. They were everything to him, his secret beautiful places. Like the middle of the wood, in the grip of winter, it's snow tipped furs towering above him, protecting him from everything else around. Like lying in the centre of a huge grassy field that stretches out towards the horizon. Staring up at the blue sky and finding shapes hidden within the clouds. Like floating upside down in the water with his eyes closed. Like hiding in one of the kitchen cupboards and curling into a ball in the pitch black. Like awakening from a glorious dream where all of your wishes came true. Kirk falling in love, the think you find right beside falling apart. 

"Lloyd?" 

He blinks,"Mhm?"

"Lets go to the beach,"

*

30 minutes later, they're out of the Bounty (luckily it was positioned on land or it would've caused some issues.) They take the quickest route to the beach on their elemental dragons, flying side by side through the afternoon air. 

When they arrive, Kai takes Lloyd's hand with a guilty smile. "I think the beach will be empty. No one comes this far away from the city anymore," he explains, turning his gaze to the sea, a bright rippling streak of blue painted across the horizon. 

Lloyd follows his gaze, his tense expression immediately relaxing. A hush of salty sea breeze whorls past him, moving strands of his blonde hair. He sighs, softly, his mouth stretching into a smile. He slips his hand out of Kai's, his eyes bright,"Come on, hothead!" He exclaims, before turning and sprinting across the sand. 

Kai blinks, shocked for a second, before grinning too. "Wait up, greenie!" He calls, before setting off after Lloyd. 

Lloyd runs over to the sea, at the point where the paper thin waves skirt over the wet sand, giving it a shiny appearance. He gazes out towards the horizon, his mind swamped by the pure blue filling his vision. He isn't even tired from all that running. 

Kai appears beside him, panting and laughing. He turns to Lloyd, catching his breath. It occurs to him that he hasn't seen Lloyd this happy in a while. He looks peaceful, as he gazes out across the water in awe, his green eyes excited and wide, his lips twisted into the tiniest smile he's ever seen. But it's still a smile. He wishes he could capture the smile, keep it safe within him, make sure that Lloyd never has cause to frown again. He doesn't know how to do it, though. Lloyd is so different from everyone else he knows. 

Around other people, his words are predetermined, phrases that he looks good saying, things he know will please. Even with the other ninja, it's easy to interact with them because he knows what they want. 

He has no clue what Lloyd wants. He's a little emerald eyed mystery in a green gi. He's Kai's best friend. He's the person Kai has crazily fallen in love with. And it really does feel like falling, Kai thinks, his eyes on Lloyd's face. Love makes every small thing Lloyd does into the most wondrous thing imaginable. Like his blink, his voice, his laugh, the sound of his breathing, the feel of his pulse under Kai's fingers, the sounds he makes in his sleep, the way he scowls at people when he's mad. Everything. Just by being himself, Lloyd has Kai hooked on him, prepared to throw away his life if it would save the blonde's 

It's so beautifully crazy. And he doesn't even seem to know. How can he not know? Kai thinks. It's the hardest thing ever when you love someone and they don't seem to notice. Does he not care? Kai thinks, sighing. 

"It's beautiful.." Lloyd whispers, laughing quietly, turning to face Kai,"Don't you think?" 

Kai nods, forces out a grin,"Yeah, it is," Not as beautiful as you, he thinks. 

"I'm hungry," Lloyd states, frowning slightly, his gaze falling to the ground, where sand coats his trainers. 

"You should've ate lunch. I did tell you,"Kai answers, grinning,"You numpty," 

"Well I wasn't hungry then. Obviously," Lloyd replies, turning to look back at Kai,"And you didn't exactly press the matter,"

Kai shrugs, stepping closer to him,"I thought it'd be rude. I can't force you to do something you don't want to do," 

Lloyd says nothing, only frowns, continuing to stare at Kai. 

Dad used to force him to do things he didn't want to. He forced him to watch an 18+ with him one night, which scared the shit out of him and gave him more nightmares for over a year. He'd also forced him to drink alcohol at 6 years old, though Misako found out and sorted it out. He remembers being forced to swim and almost drowning in a lake. Garmadon's fault. He remembers dad shouting at him for existing, hitting him sometimes for no reason. He remembers curling up in bed and crying himself to sleep. He remembers pushing himself through countless days starving because Garmadon refused to feed him. He remembers blacking out in his mom's room after Garmadon slit his wrists. He remembers Dad. And he remembers pain. 

Without realising it, he's moved to the sand, curling in on himself as his memories pretend to happen again. He hates this feeling. The panic. The pain. All. Of. It. He hates his past, and his past sure as hell hates him. 

"Lloyd.." Kai crouches down beside him, unsure what to do,"What's wrong?" 

Lloyd isn't sure there's an answer to that. What's wrong? Nothing is wrong. He's not injured or sick or in trouble. It only feels like he is. How can he possibly address that? 

"D'you wanna go home?" Kai whispers, tentatively reaching out to touch Lloyd's shoulder. 

He shakes his head,"No..." and presses his face into his knees, breathing into his legs. 

Kai sits down beside him, saying nothing. He doesn't know what to say. He wants to help. But what the hell can he do? He doesn't even know what the issue is. 

Lloyd squeezes his eyes shut, begging his mind not to take him into the past. It does anyways. 

It's 1 am, and 6 year old Lloyd is sitting in the living room, writing in a notebook, his legs folded over each other in an odd position. 

Misako opens the door to the living room, and when her eyes find him, she gasps. "Lloyd! What are you doing up this late?" She exclaims, moving to sit next to him on the coach. 

Lloyd continues writing, his letters large and slightly messy. A six year old's handwriting. "I'm writing a story, mummy," he answers, refusing to take his eyes off of the paper. 

"Lloyd, it's late. Why don't you go up to bed and continue in the morning?" Misako suggests, smiling tentatively. 

Lloyd shakes his head,"Don't want to," he mumbles, yawning,"I'm not tired," 

She raises an eyebrow,"Really? You look tired to me,"

Lloyd frowns, scribbling out a sentence. "You made me mess up," he whines,"I'm not sleeping,"

Misako sighs, moving to get up,"Alright, Lloyd. Stay here. Just don't complain about being tired tomorrow.. and make sure you're asleep before your father comes back from the pub," she leaves. 

He refuses to sleep for the remainder of the week. 

Lloyd opens his eyes, finding himself back on the beach, curled up on the sand. He sits up, blinking. "What time is it?" He asks, turning to face Kai. 

"6pm," Kai replies, watching him carefully,"Do you want to buy some food? We can get pizza," He asks, grinning. 

Lloyd nods, smiling a little,"Yeah. That sounds good," 

He and Kai both stand up, facing each other. 

"Thank you for being kind, Kai. You don't have to do this.." Lloyd tells him, sighing,"I'm sorry.."

"Hey, there's nothing to apologise for. You're my best friend. Of course I have to do this," he smiles,"I don't like it when you're sad," he states, blushing a little,"It makes me sad too,"

"Really?" Lloyd replies, appearing confused; his cute little eyebrows scrunch together above his eyes. 

Kai nods,"Honestly, it does. You have such a sad sad face," he insists, sighing quietly,"Are you okay? It's just... Welles whatever just happened.. it didn't look good.."

Lloyd frowns at the ground, unsure how to respond. Is he okay? What is the definition of 'okay'? Is it a certain number of good feelings.. or the absence of so many bad ones? He doesn't know. Stuff like this shouldn't be as complicated as it is. He blows out a long sigh, kicking his feet at the ground, dispersing a spray of sand from around him. "Define 'okay'.." Lloyd answers, refusing to look Kai in the eye. 

Now Kai is dumbstruck. "Uh.. well.. good point. Hoe so we define okay?" He muses, watching Lloyd kick more sand into the air. "Gosh.. you're good at confusing me.. hehe." He mumbles, with a light blush forming across his cheeks. 

Lloyd looks up,"I'm good at confusing you? That's wrong... what I say makes sense. It's the rest of the world that doesn't.." he declares, his expression darkening. 

"That's rather grandiose.." Kai remarks, shrugging,"Oh well.. I guess it works both ways." He looks up at Lloyd, meeting his gaze. "You still haven't answered my question. Are you okay?" He presses. 

Lloyd just stares at him. There's that question again. He sighs once more, rubbing a hand over his face,"I dunno.. I guess.. I'm alive.. so.. sure.." 

Kai shakes his head, moving his arms out to slip his hands into Lloyd's, where he squeezes them gently. "You know that's not what I meant," he says with a laugh. 

Lloyd raises an eyebrow, a grin sliding in place despite his inner turmoil - must be Kai's presence - and replies,"Do I?" 

"Yes, Lloydie~" Kai answers, his voice velvety, his touch delicate as he reaches up and ruffles Lloyd's blonde hair. 

Lloyd blushes, a light pink colour hearing his cheeks, and looks away, his smile magnificent. "Kai..." he mumbles, laughing a little,"That's not my name.." 

"It is now," Kai answers, winking his legendary wink, his eyes shining, half of his face caught alight by the glow of the dying evening sun as it slips towards the horizon. 

Lloyd jumps a little, as his heart skips a beat. His eyes widen, a blush fully consuming his face. "I.. uh.. um.." he struggles, his eyes darting everywhere but on Kai's face. 

"Yes?" Kai presses, grinning indulgently,leaning closer to Lloyd, expectant. 

Lloyd can early think. His entire system is being taken over by this breathtaking feeling. It's wondrous, unworldly, enchanting, phenomenal, exciting. It burns through his veins like fire. He can't stop looking at Kai, just looking, his eyes wide. He feels as if he's forgotten how to speak. 

Kai's grin slips, his features twisting in concern,"Are you alright?"

Lloyd nods, his eyes still on Kai. He's ever felt this way before. What is it supposed to mean? He just wants to stay with Kai.. because.. he doesn't know.. he's just attracted to this.. and he doesn't want to let it go. 

"D'you wanna go get pizza now?" Kai questions, tugging on Lloyd's arm. 

The green ninja blinks a few times, bringing himself back to his senses. "Yeah. It's getting cold," he answers, smiling at Kai. 

Kai smiles back. "Come on,"

They begin to head back up the beach, silly grins stretched across their faces, through hands locked together like lovers or the two best of friends. 

To them, it feels like both.


	4. Late night trouble

"I doubt any place serving decent pizza will be open now," Lloyd remarks, his eyes following the lines in the hardened concrete pavement. 

"It's only 7.." Kai replies, his Tony confident but his expression doubtful. "We could always get frozen pizza from the convenience store," he suggests, his fingers still laced between Lloyd's. 

Lloyd doesn't say anything to that; he's too busy glancing anxiously around the mostly empty street. Someone could jump out from anywhere and attack them. They could have a gun.. or a knife.. or a bomb. Lloyd shrinks closer to Kai, anxiety clouding his mind. 

"Hey, what's wrong?" Kai asks, his tone soothing. He slips an arm around Lloyd, tugging them closer together. 

Lloyd holds his breath as they pass a stranger, an old man with greying hair, out of date clothes and a sour expression. Lloyd doesn't trust him. There are few people he really does trust. Kai, mom, Sensei? That's it. Trust requires too much risk to apply it too often. 

The sun has fully set now, leaving the sky with a dark starry blanket to drape across their half of the world. The street lamps have automatically switched on, lighting up the street in small chunks. 

"I don't like this," Lloyd declares, pressing his side further into Kai's as they walk,"I really don't like this,"

"There's nothing to worry about," Kai reassures him, tightening his arm around him,"I won't let anyone hurt you,"

Lloyd doesn't reply. It's fine when they're fighting enemies. Their thought patterns are always similar. Revenge. Conquer. Destroy. Control. Fight. He doesn't consider them people. The moment he does, they become complex obscurities and he can't do it. People scare him. Like anyone, he doesn't enjoy being afraid. 

"You're overly paranoid, Lloydie. Honestly, we're going to be fine," Kai continues, but secured his hold around him just tinge sure. 

"I'm not paranoid," Lloyd replies, though he kind is,"You're too calm,"

"Uh huh? Is that right, greenie?" Kai answers, chuckling lightly. All he can think is: God, he's so cute. He can't tear his eyes away from the green ninja beside him. His hair is so soft and perfect, his eyes so emerald and so beautiful. So sad. It occurs to Kai how sad Lloyd really is. Suddenly, he finds himself remembering last training sessions, Morro, the final battle, the day he first met Lloyd, back when he was a little kid. It scares him how he looks so sad in so many of his memories. He doesn't want him to be sad. 

"We're here," Lloyd says, smiling a little, his eyes fixed on the medium sized convenience store ahead of them. It's one storey, the front of it covered in long glass windows that spill out fluorescent light. The sight of it causes him to shudder. He doesn't like that colour. 

"Pizza here we come," Kai replies, his smile wide as he leads Lloyd into the building through the glass doors. 

"Yay!" Lloyd speaks, his tone exuberant. 

It's much bigger inside than it looks outside. The walls are lined with shelves. Each shelf contains rows upon rows of items, boxes of tea bags, cans of soup, packets of chips, candy, Doritos, burger buns, sliced bread. One entire section is devoted to frozen items, ice creams, frozen vegetables, fruit and pizza. 

Lloyd's eyes are immediately drawn in that direction. "The pizzas should be there," he announces, turning to look at Kai. 

"Wait. We don't want frozen pizza. We'll have to wait for it to defrost," Kai answers, frowning. 

Lloyd sighs, rolling his eyes in annoyance,"Of course we will.. we'll have to get a readymade one. They're always more expensive!"

"Only by like five bucks," Kai replies, grabbing Lloyd's arm and carefully steering him away from the frozen section,"I guess we're going all out,"

"Oh, totally," Lloyd spits out, his features still etched into a frown. 

Kai can't help but stare. He looks so cute like this, his eyebrows scrunched together, face slightly flushed, green eyes half closed in irritation, his arms folded across his chest. 

Lloyd notices Kai's staring. "What?" He demands, stepping back. Immediately, his anxiety spawns and his next breath catches in his throat. Why is Kai staring at him? Has he done something wrong? "Stop.." Lloyd manages, closing his eyes tightly,"You're freaking me out.." 

Kai looks away hurriedly, towards the floor, guilt forming a lump in his throat. "Sorry.. I..!just.. you look really good.. and I.. nevermind,"

Lloyd opens his eyes, blowing out a shaky breath,"Can we just get pizza and go? Please?" He begs. 

Kai nods,"Yeah. Okay,"

By the time they purchase the pizza and find a place to sit, it's already gone right. They'd ended up finding a Dominos that serves in the evening/night/whatever it is and bought a pricy jalapeño, pepperoni and chilli pizza. Basically, mega spicy stuff. They'd managed to find a bench in the deserted park and sat down, pizza in between them. 

Lloyd glances at Kai, before opening Ye cardboard box. "I didn't think they'd be open," he remarks, picking out a slice of pizza and taking a bite. 

"Me neither, to be honest," Kai replies, doing the same. "Now this is spicy," he says with approval. 

Lloyd nods, leaning back on the bench and tilting his head upwards to gaze at the already star crammed sky. He's blown away by how beautiful it looks. Utterly magnificent. He stares at the stars. It's weird to think that every single one of those tiny pricks of light are actually as large as the sun. He likes the stars. They're always there, up in the sky, small pockets of glowing beauty looking down upon a violent world. Even in the day, they remain, hiding away in the bright blueness of the sky, waiting for the sun to set once more. 

When he was younger, he used to pretend that the stars were angels, watching over him. He used to give them names and personalities. They were odd names, unique, lovely. They fit the stars just as they were meant to. Thinking about it now makes Lloyd sad. He's older now, and he knows what he believed in as a child isn't true. It's the most terrible feeling. He closes his eyes. He doesn't want to see the stars anymore. 

Kai finishes 3 slices of pizza before he realises Lloyd isn't eating his. He glances sideways cautiously, unsure what to expect. Lloyd's just sat there, half eaten slice of pizza enclosed within the curve of his hand, eyes tightly closed, face tilted slightly upwards. 

Kai freezes. In this moment, this odd glorious moment, he wants to kiss Lloyd so much that it hurts. It's the perfect moment. He shuffles closer, his mouth opening and closing as he contemplated saying something. What could he say anyways? Lloydlloydlloydiwanttokissyouiloveyoupleaseletmekissyoupleaselovemeback-

"Kai.." Lloyd whispers, his soft voice snapping Kai out of his lovesick trance. 

"Mhm?" Kai murmurs, moving to take another slice of pizza. 

"Can you hear that?"

Kai pauses, pizza in hand, and listens. 

Around them, leaves rustle gently in the breeze, a swing creeks as it sways delicately, a car or two slip past on the road. 

"What am I supposed to be hearing?" Kai questions, turning to look at Lloyd intently, expression quizzical. 

Lloyd swallows visibly, and closes his eyes,"Sshh.."

Kai shuts up, glancing about the two of them nervously. He doesn't know why, but something doesn't feel right. He finishes his slice of pizza. His eyes fall upon Lloyd again. And god- he looks so adorable, sat next to him, his eyes pressed shut, hands gripping at the bench tightly, nose scrunched up enough to produce little wrinkle lines. 

Behind him, someone exhales, the breath long, slightly shaky and terrifyingly close. 

Lloyd's eyes snap open. "Can we go?" He questions, his vice threaded with panic, before he grabs at Kai's hand, moving the both of them into a standing position. 

Kai spins around, facing the source of the sound, and pushes Lloyd behind him. "Is anyone there?" He calls out, squinting in an attempt to see in the dark. 

Lloyd grabs at his arm persistently, "Come on Kai!" He exclaims,"W..we have to go!"

Kai turns back around, his wrist caught between Lloyd's thin fingers, and stares into the big emerald eyes that great him. It occurs to him that he should listen to Lloyd, pay attention to the fear flickering on and off across his face, the tremble in his stance, the anxiety hiding within his wide eyes. 

"Kai," Lloyd begs, giving his arm another pitiful tug. 

Kai holds his gaze for a second more, before glancing behind him and moving to leave the park, his hand still tightly held by Lloyd's. 

When they reach the street, disappearing around the corner of a block of flats, the buildings piled on top of each other like stacked jenga, a shadow cast by the moon moves to follow them, an echo of their footsteps.

*

"I'm tired. Can we go back to the Bounty now?" Lloyd asks, at 9:49 pm, after them having walked circles around the silent street for over half an hour. 

"Yeah. I'm tired too," Kai answers, sending Lloyd a smile. 

Lloyd just yawns, rubbing a hand across his face drowsily. 

Kai creates his fire dragon in the middle of the empty street. It's so big that it fills most of the space, it's tail tickling the edge of someone's hedge. 

Lloyd grins a little at that. "I don't think my dragon will fit in here," he remarks, glancing over at Kai.

"That's okay, greenie. You can come on mine," Kai answers, reaching out his arms and pulling Lloyd up onto the back of the dragon. 

"Thanks," the green ninja replies, sliding up next to Kai, pressing them together. 

Kai blushes, just a little. "You ready, cutie?" He murmurs, turning so that his face is millimetres away from Lloyd's. He revives a nod in return and a small yawn. 

They set off. 

Halfway through the journey, Lloyd's eyes fall shut, and he rests his head on Kai's shoulder 

Kai smiles when he notices. All thoughts of the mysterious person from the park dissipate at the sight of Lloyd asleep, his little blonde head tucked into the gap between Kai's shoulder and neck. If he wasn't controlling his elemental dragon, he'd bend over and kiss him on the head. Not on the lips. Hell save that for when Lloyd's awake. 

They get back home at around 10:15. Kai slides off of his dragon, clutching the sleeping green ninja in his arms, his smile jubilant. He sneaks back into the Bounty, tiptoeing past the others' rooms. Reaching Lloyd's, he carefully pushes the door open with his foot and slips inside. 

It's mostly dark, the only light coming from the moon shining through the half opened window. 

He slowly moves over to the bed, resting Lloyd down on top of the sheets. 

Lloyd rolls over on the mattress, pressing his face into the pillow with an almost inaudible sigh. 

Kai smiles. He can't quite bring himself to leave just yet. 

In moments like these, he wishes he could have forever.


	5. Nightmarish

He was 8 years old when he had his first panic attack. 

"This is serious, Garmadon! I don't care whether you were drunk or not. You nearly killed him!" Misako shouts, her voice shaky, too angry, choked with pain.

"I can't remember what I did, Misako. Come on, you're being ridiculous. Are you sure he didn't do it himself? Wouldn't put it past him.. you know?" Garmadon replies, his tone flat and cruel. It's clear he doesn't care about Lloyd, only about saving his own skin.

"How dare you accuse your own son of lying!" Misako roars. 

Lloyd moves away from the door to his parents' room, his vision blurry with tears. He slides to the carpet, shaking uncontrollably. He can't stay here anymore. He can't live here. He gazes down at the newly stitched up injuries tracing across the line of his wrists. A tear drips from his face, landing on his open palm. He closes his eyes and tries to steady his erratic breathing. Nothing much happens.

"Go to hell, you evil bastard!" his mom screams, her voice carrying through the thin walls.

He squeezes his eyes tighter shut, clamping his palms over his ears. His head aches, and he can taste metal on his tongue. He moves his hands from his ears and presses his palms into his eye sockets.

He wants them to

shut up.

Please

just shut up.

He can't rid the taste of metal from his mouth. It clings there, clawed fingers digging into his stinging skin. Metal. His breathing glitches on and off. Sometimes he's panting, spitting out choked puffs off air, sometimes he's wheezing, gasping, trying to take in something. he rolls onto his side, his cheek pressed against the rough carpet, and spits out a mouthful of blood.

Sometimes he's not breathing at all.

Millenia pass by in the space of an hour. A door slams, far far away. Footsteps climb softly up the stairs, tracing their way slowly up to where he lies, breaking down, on the old grey carpet.

A warm hand touches his shoulder, delicate fingers pull themselves through his hair. "Lloyd, honey, just breathe. It's alright. He's gone. He won't ever come back," His mom murmurs, kneeling down beside him, her fingers stroking his hair.

He can barely hear what she's saying. The words merge together, clumps of soothing sounds and familiar phrases. He's gotten blood on his favourite shirt. His head still hurts. "Mom?" he rasps out, stretching his shaking hand out to her's feebly.

She takes his hand, her touch warm and soft and good. Just good. "Don't talk. Just breathe," she tells him. 

He doesn't say anymore, just closes his eyes, his hand still held in her's and breathes. And he continues breathing, his breaths shaky and shallow, for a long time.

When he finally passes out, Misako lifts him in her arms and carries him to his room and rests him carefully on his messy bed. She cleans up the blood, tidies the house for something to do. She didn't mean for any of this to happen. They're still in the early stages, but she can already see how broken her family really is.

All that's left to do now is look after the shattered shards of everyone and everything she loves, left scattered across the galaxy.

*

For the first time in years, Lloyd wakes up early. He sits up in bed, still drowsy, fully capable of giving into the tug of sleep once more. But he doesn't. He isn't sure why. He just doesn't. He just sits there, tangled up in his blankets, staring into the darkness ahead of him. He can't remember what he was dreaming about, which he considers a good thing. He yawns, closing his eyes. He really wants to go back to sleep again. Something is keeping him from doing so, however, a cold sensation riding across his skin, chilling him, grounding him in the most frightening of ways. Fear leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He opens his eyes, blowing out a long sigh, still feeling exhausted despite the crazy amounts of sleep he's been getting. What the hell is wrong with him? He rolls over, facing the wall. 

It's now, at 5:07 am in the morning, lying in a mess of knotted sheets on his bed, that he thinks about Kai. He sees Kai's face first. His bright hazel eyes filled with happiness, constantly flinging Lloyd's joy levels through the roof. His sexy hair, so perfectly styled to attract, which is exactly what it has done. Then he thinks about Kai's mouth, always smiling, laughing, talking. Just thinking about him gives Lloyd an odd beautiful feeling. His pants suddenly feel a little tight. He frowns. What the hell is he doing? He should go back to sleep and pretend these weird thoughts never entered his head.

Dad would've laughed a him, mocked him for his insecurities as he chugged beer, sitting crookedly on the banister of the stairs. He would've- 

It was a bad idea to think about the past. The past contains every single one of his demons, including quite a few of his father's too. No matter how far back into his brain he shoves the ghastly memories, they always seem to resurface, stalking him relentlessly like satanic beasts of the night. They tear into him, gnawing holes in his mind with their razor-sharp teeth. They claw at him, ripping away layer upon layer of protection until they reach what they want. Him. 

The colour red has always been an issue for him. Red is the colour of blood, it shows up as a flashing fluorescent warning within him whenever there's too much of it. Sometimes it's hard to look at the clothes Kai's wearing. Sometimes, he sees things. Sometimes, his imagination gets the better of him. Sometimes his mind attacks itself. He hates those moments the worst. He can never tell when it's going to happen. He might just be in the middle of eating something, the buzz of uninteresting conversation floating around him, and then, boom, there it is. The food will turn into mud, or blood, or something utterly revolting and gory. He'll be forced to stop eating immediately, feeling nauseous because of the pretend images constructed by his head. Sometimes it happens with ideas too. His imagination just doesn't know when to fuck off. He finds images of the dead thrust behind his eyes, images of pain and horror beyond anything shown in any movie. And it terrifies him. He's spent a good section of his life with his head in his hands, curled into a ball, screaming for the whirring in his head to stop if only for a moment. He's always thinking, always questioning, always imagining. He's always been good at writing because he's always been good at thinking. Too good, actually. He could write essays about the terrible lives of the imaginary. He could write sonnets about feelings he's never experienced. He's the perfect liar, because he could pretend to be anyone and he could do it with perfection. But he doesn't like to do it, because as soon as he pretends these things or has them thrown upon him, he becomes them, his mind unintentionally welcoming them into his being. Some fictional character dies, he does too. He finds himself latching onto the imaginary, never quite finding the strength or courage to let go. He's always thought that he'd make a such better fictional character. He hates feeling real.

Without realising it, he's started crying. His pillow is soaked with confused tears, his cheeks streaked with them. He rubs at his eyes, swallowing down a sob. He wants to get out. Nobody warned him there wouldn't be an eject button when he was born. Nobody told him that because he has the ability to feel things, he'd end up feeling everything.

*

Kai can't sleep. He lies in bed, phone resting face down on his chest, thinking. He wishes it were morning already, then he's be able to talk to Lloyd. Something hungry and desperate forms within him. It makes him think of his parents, something he's tried so hard not to think about. He misses them. He misses them every day. It shows itself in the form of a painful ache, always residing within the gaping hole in his chest. The ache never seems to go away. Sometimes it hurts more than others.

He remembers all too clearly hitting an all time low when he was 16. It had been a few months before he'd become a ninja. Work wasn't going so well, he and Nya kept arguing, and everything seemed to remind him of them. The two most important people in his life, the ones he'd never get to see again. He'd drifted, sliding into the dangerous and unpredictable clutches of depression. He still bares the scarred track marks from that time, tracing their path up the insides of his arms.

He can't help remembering his first and only suicide attempt. He hadn't planned it or anything. It just happened. He was taking medication for something minor and suddenly found himself finishing several boxes of pills. It was a little foggy, what happened next. He remembers Nya freaking out, because, oh god, her older brother just OD'd and she doesn't know what the hell to do in order to save him. He remembers her crying, dialling 911 as she continuously screamed for Kai to stay awake, to stay conscious, to keep his eyes open. He hadn't cried. Not once. He's just sat there on the couch next to her, staring at his hands and thinking about absolutely nothing at all. It was better than the thoughts he'd had leading up to that day. Thoughts of joining his parents. Thoughts of ending it all. 

Now, a 19 year old, curled into the heap pf pillows on his bed, he despises those thoughts. He resents the old Kai so much that he finds it kinda funny, in a twisted sort of way. Everyone knows Lloyd hates his past, it's written all over him, in the way he walks, the way he talks, hidden within he cracks of his adorable little smile. What people don't know, though, is that Kai hates his past just as much as Lloyd does. 

Kai rubs his eyes blearily, squinting at the alarm clock by the side of his bed. 5:49 am. Soon it'll be 6. Then he can get up, have a shower, prepare for the day. But until then, he'll savour these precious minutes of silent darkness. He'll close his eyes, pretending to be asleep. He'll think about Lloyd, his lips twisting into a smile.

A tear escapes, tracing its path down Kai's cheek, leaving a small stain on his pillow. He's not even that sad. He just thought he was, if only for a second. That's the worst of it. The memory of pain is almost as terrible as the pain itself.

Call 911, he thinks, my heart is on fire.


	6. Left alone

He must have fallen asleep again, because he opens his eyes to daylight sliding in through the gap between his curtains. The alarm clock tells him it's 8:23 am. Late once again. 

"Ugh," Lloyd groans, sliding out of bed sluggishly, his eyes only half open. He was dreaming about Garmadon, but the memory is already fading away, growing stale inside his mind. It's better that way, forgotten, pushed down, hidden away. It makes it hurt just a little less. And if it hurts a little less, then he can cope with it a little easier. 

He leaves his room, still in his pyjamas, and heads slowly towards the dining room. There's no point in hurrying. He's far too late for that to matter. It occurs to him that the house is quiet. Too quiet. The deafening silence presses against his ears, making his head hurt. It shouldn't be this quiet. Jay is always shouting, laughing, screeching in odd ways. Cole's usually there trying to seduce him. Then there's the usual chatter, him of the microwave, or Tv or washer. But now... only silence. 

Anxiety kicks in, slowly pouring itself into his bloodstream. He's shaking, his breathing getting faster and faster as he digs his nails into his palms so hard they begin to bleed. He pushes himself forwards, this time towards the kitchen. Maybe they're just being extra quiet today. They could be... But somehow, deep inside, he knows that's not it. Oh, god. What if they've been kidnapped? That person he and Kai heard at the park last night... what if...? 

"Kai..." he whimpers, choking out a breath. What if they're dead? What if Kai's dead? And suddenly, all at once, he can't bear it. A terrible pain shoots through his chest, and golden energy springs forth from his fists without his consent. He finds he desperately needs Kai to be alright. Kai is so kind, and friendly, and beautiful and amazing and oh, god, Lloyd can't breathe, he can't think, he just needs Kai to be okay, god, please be okay- I need you - I love you- Please-

He slams open the kitchen door, sending it crashing into the wall, bending back on its hinges. He searches the room, his fists clenched, his fear and anger intertwined, the only things left inside to power him. And-

"Lloyd? What's wrong?" Kai questions, turning to face him, worry written all over hi face. In this moment, Lloyd can't help but mistake Kai for an angel. He looks so glorious, standing there, frying pan in hand, hair slightly messy but still as sexy as ever, the smallest spot of flour resting on his right cheek. He wants to answer Kai, and a million things rush through his head, begging to be said. But the only sentence he can construct is: Kai's okay. 

Kai doesn't know what to think when Lloyd comes bursting to the kitchen, looking a complete and utter mess. He's trembling, swaying, his breath coming out in uneven gasps. His hair is stuck out crazily in all directions, and he's still in his pyjamas. A line of blood traces from his left nostril down to his chin, the crimson more spread out where it meets the trembling line of his lips. 

"Lloyd... what's wrong?" He asks, stepping towards him, placing his frying pan on the counter. 

"I... thought... you..... were... dead... I .." Lloyd gasps out, his eyes wide, his entire form trembling like a leaf, his face deathly white. 

Kai's heart aches when he hears these words. It occurs to him how freaked out Lloyd is.. and it makes him feel terrible. He should've left a note, came to his room, made some attempt to let him know where the others were. He can't do any of that now, so, in an attempt to make up for it, he takes another tentative strip forward, his eyes locked on Lloyd's, and asks,"Can I hug you?" 

Lloyd nods weakly in response, his eyes closing,"Yeah..."

Kai approaches him carefully, pausing for a second before enveloping him gently in his arms. 

Lloyd's body goes limp in Kai's hold, and he presses his face into Kai's neck, sighing softly. 

"What happened to your nose?" Kai questions, moving one of his hands up to delicately stroke his fingers through Lloyd's soft hair. 

"M'sorry.. happens when I'm stressed.." Lloyd murmurs, slowly moving his arms to return Kai's hug,"I thought you were dead... house was too quiet.." 

Kai sighs, guilt building up within him. "The others went out for the day. Sensei let you sleep since he still thinks you're sick," Kai replies, pulling Lloyd closer to himself,"I'm sorry. I should've left a note or something..."

"S'okay.." Lloyd mumbles, squeezing his eyes shut. He doesn't want to mice. Standing here, hugging Kai, is the nicest feeling he's ever felt. He can't give it up.. not just yet.. He wants a little more time feeling unstoppable before he goes back to being just Lloyd.

A few seconds pass and Kai pulls out of the hug, blushing a little. "We should get that blood cleaned up," he tells him. 

Lloyd steps back, his cheeks almost glowing pink with embarrassment. He touches his fingers to his face, his eyes widening when they become coated in glistening crimson. Red. On his fingers... on his face.. oh god.. no.. NO. "No-" he gasps, unable to form any other word. 

Sharp metal digs into his skin, tearing it apart, tugging at the edges until what's inside is forced to come pouring out. It stings, smarts, and he gasps, a choked scream forcing itself from his lips. 

Red. Red. Red. Red is welling up from the gashes on his wrists, dropping down the sides of his arms, a crimson waterfall, beginning slow but gaining speed rapidly. Red pools onto the ground beneath his bare feet. 

He never thought dad would go that far. 

Once again, Kai has no idea what to do. One second ago Lloyd was fine, totally fine. Then he saw the blood. And now- He's... Kai doesn't even have a word to explain it. His eyes just grew wide and empty, like his entire being just gave up on itself. 

"Lloyd? Buddy? What's wrong?" Kai questions, waving his hands in front of the green ninja's face. 

No reply comes, only a few choked whimpers and gasps as he struggles for breath. He's not breathing, his mouth is opening and closing but not taking any air in. Is it possible to suffocate with oxygen surrounding you?

"Lloyd!" Kai exclaims, pressing his palms on Lloyd's shoulders and shaking him, as fear grows rapidly within him. He's not breathing. Why isn't he breathing? "Lloyd!" He shouted slapping him across the face without thinking. He probably shouldn't have done that... His eyes find Lloyd's mouth, lips parted, shiny with blood coming from the excessive nosebleed he's in the middle of. "Shit," Kai whispers, realising what he must do. It's not like he doesn't want to do it... it's just.. he wish he could do it in better circumstances. He blows out a breath. The situation is too dire. It doesn't matter what he wants. 

Carefully, Kai slides his arm around Lloyd's trembling body, his fingers pressing into the sharp bones of Lloyd's spine, and touches their lips together. He pushes every ounce of his breath into Lloyd. 

A terrible second passes, in which he feels as if he may cry or die or both. Then Lloyd breathes, coughing on Kai's breath, his dens flailing every which way as he blindly shoves at Kai. 

Kai stumbles, nearly loosing his footing. "Lloyd? Are you okay?" He questions immediately. 

"No.." Lloyd whimpers, backing away hurriedly, his breath coming out in uneven pants. His back smacks against the tabletop as he goes careening to the floor. Then he goes still. 

Kai gets down on his knees in front of Lloyd, making sure he's breathing. He slowly reaches his arms out, taking Lloyd's trembling wrists in his hands. He looks up, his eyes meeting the frantic emerald ones staring down at him. "It's okay, greenie.. you're okay.." he whispers, smoothing his fingers over the silky skin of he blonde's wrists. 

Lloyd can't think. There's no space in his brain left to form words. It's far too full of images he wishes weren't there, flashes of his father's evil grinning face, of blades, of blood dripping, of everything breaking around him into little useless shards. He can still taste Kai's breath in his mouth. And he uses that, focuses on that sensation, adding to it the relaxing feeling of fingers stroking his skin. He latched into those small things, allowing the sound of Kai's voice to slowly bring him back to Earth again. His breathing evens out, and he sighs quietly, slumping against the hard stone wall of the bar they have in the kitchen. 

Kai blows out a shaky breath, the tiniest of smiles slipping itself onto his face. "Lloyd?" He mumbles, reaching out to stroke a piece of blonde hair from Lloyd's face,"Don't go falling asleep on me now,"

Lloyd finds himself smiling, just a little. "M'not asleep.." he murmurs, sluggishly moving to sit up, his half lidded eyes fixing upon Kai's. "Your mouth tasted nice..." he remarks drowsily, scooting closer to Kai. 

The fire ninja opens his mouth to reply, but he has no clue what to say. He blushes bright red, and resorts to eyeing Lloyd in the fondest war possible. 

Lloyd continues grinning at him, a light blush growing on his cheeks too. 

"T..thank you.." Kai manages, after a few seconds of complete silence. He moves his face closer to Lloyd's, their noses inches from brushing, and gazes into emerald eyes, his pupils blow wide with lust. "You don't taste too bad yourself,"

Lloyd giggles quietly, his warm breath tickling Kai's nose. 

It takes every ounce of willpower Kai has not to kiss Lloyd right now. How he hates holding back.


	7. A little or a lot in love

After Lloyd had cleaned up the blood, with help from Kai, they decided to watch a movie. Lloyd loves marvel movies, literally lives for them, having watched most of them over 30 times. Kai, however, hadn't heard of the movies until Lloyd casually mentioned them one dinnertime and accidentally set Jay off on a rant about Sony and Spiderman being thrown out of the MCU. Since then Lloyd has set to work trying to get Kai to watch all of the movies from start to finish. They are currently up to Iron Man 3. 

Kai retrieves a green fluffy blanket from Lloyd's room, a bag of popcorn and some lemonade for them both. He leaves the food and drink on the wooden table in front of the couch and takes a seat on it, leaning into the soft leather. "Lloyd! Snacks are ready!" He calls, turning his head slightly so that he's looking at the door. 

A few seconds pass, in which a seed of doubt is given time to sprout within Kai's mind. He knows that Lloyd's had a pretty shitty day so far.. and that his mental health is.. well.. concerning.. He can't help worrying about him, even though reason tells him there is no need. 

This time, however, his fretting is in vain, as Lloyd appears in the doorway a second later, and iron man plush half the size of him clutched against his chest. He approaches the couch slowly, a little nervous. 

"You okay greenie?" Kai questions, patting the space beside him, indicating that the area is free to sit. 

Lloyd slumps into the couch with a sigh, his entire body seeming to sink into the cushions. "I don't know," he murmurs, resting his chin on top of his iron man plush, his eyes slowly sliding to lock with Kai's. He sighs again, leaning a little closer to Kai. 

The fire ninja frowns slightly, moving closer to the blonde, tugging the blanket over the both of them and sneaking an arm around him. "I'm sorry," he whispers,"I should've left a note,"

Lloyd shakes his head, snuggling subconsciously into Kai's side. "It's not your fault, Kai. How many times am I going to have to repeat myself? I just freaked out like an idiot because I can't even control my own thoughts. There is no way that can be your fault,"

"You're not an idiot," Kai answers, turning to face Lloyd,"You're way smarter than me, actually. People have their bad days. It's normal,"

Lloyd scoffs,"Oh, yeah, I'm so fucking normal. Don't lie to me, Kai. I hate lying," He blows out a breath, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment, moving his head to rest his cheek against Kai's shoulder,"I'm a fucking weirdo..."

"Don't swear. You're too innocent for that," Kai replies with a sigh,"It's a good thing to be weird, you know? Why would you want to be like anyone else? It's so boring,"

Lloyd opens his eyes, a small smile curving the lines of his lips upwards,"Well, if you put it that way.." 

Kai chuckles, his hazel eyes shining with happiness, and without thinking, dips his head and touches a delicate kiss to the tip of Lloyd's nose. 

Lloyd goes bright red, and turns his head away, murmuring something about "finally getting the movie started". 

Kai blushes too, unable to tear his gaze away from the adorable blonde beside him. "Sorry," he croaks out, his ability to speak crumbling into nothing as he struggles to find a way out of the helluva deep hole he just fell down. 

"DVD," is all Lloyd says in return, before standing up a little too fast. He sways, vision blurring as the room spins around him dangerously. He reaches out clumsily to catch himself on the table before his knees hit the carpeted floor with a dull thump. 

"Lloyd!" Kai exclaims, standing up himself, but without the whole vertigo issue. He bends down next to Lloyd, concerned and confused,"Are you okay?" He asks, his eyes meeting Lloyd's green ones. He notices that the colouring is faded, worn, as if his energy level is somehow reflected in the hue of his irises. 

Lloyd nods,"M'fine.. just got dizzy for a moment.." he mutters, rubbing a hand across his face. 

Kai frowns, his eyes lingering on Lloyd's skinny form. "You need to eat more," is all he says before offering a hand out to help him up. 

Lloyd takes it, saying nothing in return, and moves to get the DVD. 

"Nuh, uh, greenie. You're sitting down after that. Don't want you fainting on me, do I?" Kai orders, the hint of a smile on his face, as he navigates Lloyd into a sitting position, his protective streak showing through. 

Lloyd sighs, letting it slide. He curls up with his iron man plush held tight within the grasp of his thin arms. 

Kai walks over to the Tv and roots through the DVD cabinets, finally locating the DVD for Iron man 3. He closes the cabinet door gently and pops the disc into the Tv, before rejoining Lloyd on the couch. 

Lloyd immediately curls up to Kai, sliding his head into the fire ninja's lap lazily, the plush still clutched against his chest. 

Kai gazed down at him fondly. He almost thinks he can see the love waves he's sending out, the power of it is so intense. He switches the Tv on and starts the movie. Marvel's typical intro flashes across the screen, the symbol all red and white and capital letters. He grins, threading his fingers carefully through Lloyd's hair, his eyes fixed on the screen as the movie commences and Robert Downey Jr's voice fills his ears. 

About an hour into the movie, Lloyd falls asleep, his head tucked into Kai's belly, snoring almost silently. 

On the Tv, the suspicious Mandarin illegally broadcasts yet another one of his evil messages for the US president. 

Kai continues to stoke Lloyd's hair slowly, and as he watches Tony StArk struggling with ptsd on the screen, he thinks about Lloyd. He thinks about those eyes, those beautiful glittering emerald irises that he loves so much. He thinks about that laugh that makes him want to laugh too as it lights his heart up,causing it to burn hotter than the sun. He thinks about that gentle curves line of a smile that he can't live without. "I love you, greenie," he whispers, touching a kiss to the top of the blonde's head. 

On the Tv, Pepper and Tony hug, as Tony's collection of suits explode like fireworks around them. 

Kai can't help falling for Lloyd Garmadon. He knew he was falling, even at the start, but he never tried to fly. He knows that it's worth the broken bones, for what he'll receive when he hits the ground.

Love. 

*

6 year old Lloyd sits in a blue plastic chair in the sterile room, his mom taking up the seat beside him. The walls are white, a too bright, pure white that destructs the eyes successfully from any other details within the room. He stares at the floor, chewing on his lip absentmindedly, as his brain works overtime to record the conversation gong on without his knowledge of it. 

"So, Mrs Garmadon, what seems to be the problem?" A tall man wearing a white suit asks, leaning forwards in the chair opposite the both of them, a pad and pen in hand. 

Misako glances worriedly at her son, who's seemingly out of it, his eyes fixed ahead of him staring at nothing as he hums an unknown song under his breath. She sighs, drawing a hand through her unkempt hair anxiously. "He won't eat," she states, glancing back at the doctor before her,"Every time I try to get him to he outright refuses,"

The doctor nods, and writes something on his pad, a concerned look flashing across his face. "How long has this been going on for?" He questions. 

"I.. I'm not sure.. I think it started last week? Thursday? Friday? I can't remember," Misako answers, the words merging together as they fall jumbled up and useless, into Lloyd's ears. 

Six year old Lloyd turns and looks at Misako, glaring a little,"Stop shouting, mommy.. you're making me hurt.." he whines, pressing his palms against his ears as his face screws up. 

The doctor turns his attention to him, a friendly expression on his face,"Hello, Lloyd. I'm Doctor Obadiah.." he announces, presenting his smile towards the young child. 

Lloyd stares at him, and says absolutely nothing. He doesn't know what there is to say. His head hurts and he's tired and just wants to go home. But he can't tell a stranger that, especially a stranger with the name Obadiah. Obadiah betrays Iron man. And he likes Iron man, so he does g say anything at all. 

Misako sighs,"Lloyd, honey, talk to Doctor Obadiah. He's here to help you, you know? He'll fix whatever's hurting you," she tells him, her voice soft and kind and trustworthy. 

Only Lloyd can't trust her words. He just can't. 

Doctor Obadiah frowns, studying the peculiar child in front of him. He remembers encountering a few similar cases in the years prior, but they were all children younger, around 3 or 4. He turns to Misako,"I'm going to have to run some tests. From the sounds of things, it is likely he will have to spend the night,"

Misako only nods, unable to speak for fear of crying. Her son is hurting and she doesn't know how to help him. 

"I'll be right back," Doctor Obadiah announces, standing up and leaving the room, the pad and pen still in his hand. 

"Mommy, can we go home now?" Lloyd asks, removing his hands form his ears gingerly. 

Misako just looks at him, unsure what to tell him. "I.. no, Lloyd. Doctor Obadiah says you'll probably have to stay the night,"

Lloyd frowns, his gaze sliding to the floor. "But I want to go home.." he whispers, halting at the floor. 

Misako stares at her son, so small and thin in the little plastic chair beside her. He's pale, his usually bright green eyes are dull, a faded sludgy colour. Dark rings circle the understates of his eyes. He looks so desperately fragile, as if with her slightest of touch, he might break. She sighs, blinking back tears,"Its only one night, Lloyd. We'll be back home tomorrow,"

He ends up spending the week in hospital, hooked up to bleeping machines that inject nutrients in his veins to he stays alive. 

When they finally leave the hospital, Misako tells herself that it'll never happen again, that Lloyd will be fine, that their family will be fine. She tells Lloyd that he'll never have to set foot there again. 

She lies.


	8. Precious hours

When Lloyd wakes up, it's 3 in the afternoon and he's too hot. He opens his eyes gingerly, groaning a little as the simple action sends a spike of pain through his head. He closes his eyes again and presses his face into Kai's middle, his open mouth leaving a wet circle on the fire ninja's shirt. 

"Lloyd? I know you're awake," Kai says with a chuckle, glancing down fondly at the curled up lump of green ninja resting on his lap. 

"M'not..." Lloyd murmurs, kicking at the blanket until it falls to the floor,"Just sleep talk'n.."

"Uh huh?" Kai replies in disbelief, a grin forming on his face anyways,"Is that so?"

Lloyd nods slowly,"Mhm.." 

Kai laughs softly, beaming down at Lloyd, snuggled up against him. He can't believe he's this lucky. He must be dreaming, because nothing in reality should be able to feel this wondrous. "Greenie, pinch me. I have to be dreaming," he murmurs, sliding an arm around the green ninja's middle gently. 

"Why?" Lloyd questions, with a small yawn. He moves his head from Kai's lap, half sitting up, and stares at him, a quizzical expression on his face. 

Kai grins,"You're too gorgeous to be real," he says with a wink. 

Lloyd blushes, his eyes sliding downwards,"Are you flirting with me?" He asks, smiling too. 

"I'm always flirting with you," Kai replies, faking hurt,"Oh how you wound me," 

Lloyd shakes his head, glancing back up at Kai again,"I'm sorry. I don't understand these things. What do you want me to do?"

Just love me, Kai thinks, please. He shrugs, faking nonchalance,"I dunno. Whatever you want to do. I.. I'm not picky. I just like spending time with you, no matter what we're doing,"

Lloyd grins further,"I like spending time with you, too," he says, a cute little grin spreading across his face. He feels happy, purely happy, a feeling he hasn't experienced in what seems like forever. It feels glorious. He feels high, but he can't bring himself to care. Al that matters is Kai. 

Kai watches Lloyd, a mixture of sadness and happiness twisting around inside him, sliding it's cruel tendrils around his heart and lungs, suffocating him from the inside. He loves Lloyd so much, probably more than he should, if he were to consider his health. He just wishes Lloyd felt the same way. Sometimes he feels as if he doesn't yet other times, he just can't be sure. 

Lloyd coughs, moving sluggishly out of Kai's lap. "Sorry.. I fell asleep on you.." he mutters, sitting down beside Kai on the couch,"I would say I don't usually do that.. but I kinda do," 

"It's fine, greenie. Honestly, I really liked .. uh.. it.." Kai answers, his face heating up as he realises the extent of his words. 

Lloyd giggles,"You liked it? Do I even want to know what that means?" He jokes. 

"It depends how prepared you are.. something could happen~" Kai replies, his tone suggestive, everything about him portraying interest. 

"What sort of something?" Lloyd asks, leaning closer to Kai, his green eyes locking with Kai's hazel ones. 

Kai leans closer himself, so close that their faces are inches apart, the tips of their noses practically touching. "Why don't you find out~" he purrs, sliding his palm up into Lloyd's shirt, fingers grazing against his skin. 

Lloyd closes his eyes, an almost silent sigh escaping his lips. "Show me then," he whispers, grinning. 

Kai closes the space between them and touches his lips delicately to Lloyd's like he's wanted to do for years. 

Lloyd looks his arms around Kai's neck, pushing himself closer to the other ninja, his intentions clear. 

Kai smirks into his mouth at that, sliding his palm further up Lloyd's chest, dancing his fingers distractingly across his skin. 

"Mmm.." Lloyd murmurs, parting his lips slightly, just enough for Kai to edge his younger inside, carefully licking into his mouth. 

Kai slips his other arm down by Lloyd's thigh, cupping his ass with his left palm, eliciting a little gasp from him. He tilts his head a little to the side, pushing Lloyd back against the couch as he kisses him relentlessly. 

Lloyd tries to contribute, he honestly does. It's just.. he's never done this before.. with anyone. He ends up feeling a little overwhelmed, the amazing feeling of Kai's mouth on his, body pressing him into the couch turning him on immensely. A little moan escapes him. 

Kai grins, withdrawing from Lloyd, panting slightly, his eyes lustful and dark. 

Lloyd closes his eyes again, letting out a small groan. "Why did you stop?" He gasps out, frowning, hating how needy he sounds. 

Kai chuckles,"I have to breathe you know. I am human despite my superior looks,"

Lloyd laughs, followed by a sneeze. A line of red drops from his nose. 

Kai frowns, all elation form the feeling of finally getting to kiss Lloyd dissipating almost immediately. He looks away,"I'm stressing you out?"

"What? Why would you think that?" Lloyd questions, confused. He wipes his arm across his face, sighing when the blood smears a stain on his sleeve. "Oh.." he murmurs, his gaze dropping to the floor. 

"Yeah, 'oh'," Kai replies, sighing too,"I should probably go order pizza or something," he suggests, moving to get up. 

"I'm not hungry," Lloyd answers, his frown only intensifying. And just like that, his protective walls are back up, shielding himself against the world once again. 

Kai signs,"That wasn't a question, Lloyd. You need food to live. You shouldn't go abusing your life like that. I should know," he finishes, standing up and proceeding to walk out of the room. 

Lloyd blows out a breath, his eyes fixed on the small spot of red that's dropped down from his nose onto his jeans. He closes his eyes, rolling onto his side on the couch, bringing his knees into his chest. Tears burn in his eyes. He doesn't understand it. Emotions are so complex and confusing and intense. He doesn't understand how he can feel so low after feeling so high merely moments before. It's as if he's always standing on the surface of an icy lake, inches from the cruel depths below. If he even tries to take a step forward, the ice will crack, and he'll sink under the surface into the frigid water. He bites his lip, willing himself not to cry. He feels pathetic. He shouldn't feel this way. Kai doesn't hate him. They just fucking kissed. He can't help hurting every time something mildly bad scratches the surface of the ice. The water's leaking through the cracks, covering his feet. He's going to sink. He may as well hold his breath.. until he can't. 

*

Beep. 

Beep. 

Beep. 

8 year old Lloyd opens his eyes slowly, squinting when he's immediately assaulted with bright fluorescent lighting. His Hume ad hurts. "Ow.." he whimpers, scrunching his eyes up tightly in pain,"Mommy?" He calls, pushing himself up into a sitting position just as a warm hand closes itself around his. He looks up, confused. 

Misako smiles at him, a gentle smile, and her eyes glisten with tears. "Hello, Lloyd," she whispers, sounding the happiest she's ever sounded,"You gave me a right scare there honey," she brushes her fingers through his hair. 

"Where am I?" He questions, eyes darting around the room wildly as he struggles to recognise his surroundings. 

"The hospital, honey. You've been asleep for just under a week," she tells him, and a few years spill out of her eyes, sliding down her cheeks,"I thought I'd lost you.. but.. you're okay," she continues, almost laughing, though still crying,"You're okay,"

"What happened?" He asks,"Why as you crying, mommy? Did I do something wrong?" 

She shakes her head, sighing softly,"You've done everything right," she smiles again, hurriedly wiping her tears away,"Do you remember anything?" 

He closes his eyes, thinking. Does he remember anything? No.. he doesn't. He can barely remember his own name at this point. Everything in his brain is a clouded mush of jumbled up images. Mom smiling at him. Fight scenes from random marvel movies. His room back at home. His iron man plush. The insides of the fridge. His dad standing in front of him with a blade. Red. The pattern f his parent's carpet. Black. He opens his eyes again. "No," he whispers, swallowing,"I can't remember anything," 

*

"Lloyd? Are you awake? Greenie?" 

He jolts awake, blinking furiously as tears head in his eyes. His face is covered in blood, smeared out in random lines. 

"Holy shit," Kai gasps, gaping at him,"What happened?"

Lloyd rubs his eyes and moves into a sitting position on the couch. "I fell asleep with a nosebleed. I don't recommend it,"

"God," Kai answers, blowing out a long breath,"The pizzas here,"

Lloyd nods, but doesn't say anything or move to stand up. He just stares at Kai, thinking. He can't help but think about the kiss. It felt so wonderful, so utterly amazing.. he begins to doubt it actually happened. 

"What's wrong?" Kai questions,"The pizzas getting cold,"

"Kai.." he begins, then sighs,"Did we actually kiss before.. or did I just dream that? It wouldn't be the first time.." 

Kai blinks, feeling a little shook,"That was real, Greenie," he tells him smiling a little,"Your imagination would have to be on point to perfect my image,"

Lloyd laughs,"It is on point.. that's the problem.." 

Kai grins,"I don't doubt it.. but you're so innocent. You can't really mean that you've dreamt of us kissing.." 

Lloyd blushes, his gaze falling to the floor for like the millionth time this day. "I have, actually.. and.. I need to talk to you.. about us,"

"Us?"

"Yeah. Us. You. Me. Whatever the hell we are," he answers, his eyes sliding up to meet Kai's. 

"Pizza first," Kai replies, offering his hand to help Lloyd up,"Then we talk."


	9. The talk

They discuss things over pizza, because that's the best way to do it, and neither of them actually has the patience to wait until they've finished eating it. The pizzas spicy, because that the best type of pizza, and their usual order. There's something about doing things in a familiar way that becomes appealing, especially for Lloyd. It's just something that he needs right now, that simple flimsy connection to his younger self and to his mother. 

"So.." Kai begins, glancing sideways at Lloyd, a small smile set on his face and a pizza slice secured in his hand. "You can talk now,"

Lloyd nods, but says nothing. It's all he can do to remain coherent enough to acknowledge Kai's words he feels as if he may cry, but he doesn't know why he feels that way. He just stares at the pizza, without moving a muscle. He doesn't feel real. "I want to watch endgame," he says, his eyes still on the pizza,"It's still in the cinema, I think."

Kai chuckles, leaving back into the cushions on the couch,"Sure, greenie. I'll buy tickets online tonight. I thought you wanted to talk about us, though,"

Lloyd nods,"I do," he mumbles, continuing to stare at his food, without any intention of actually eating it. 

Kai moves closer to Lloyd, pressing his thigh up against the blond's. "What's wrong? You seem really sad,"

"I don't know," Lloyd mumbles in reply,"I'm just sad,"

Kai sighs, finishing his slice of pizza quickly before realising that yet again, Lloyd isn't eating. He frowns, countless freakish possibilities running through his head. "You need to eat something, buddy," he tells him, glancing up quickly to see how Lloyd takes it. 

"No," Lloyd replies, his voice terrible quiet,"I'm not like you, Kai. I don't need it,"

Kai doesn't know what he means. "What- Lloyd, you do need it. You're human, and a beautiful one dare I say.." he reaches forward, taking Lloyd's thin wrists in his hands, bringing them into his own chest. 

Lloyd just stares at him, his gaze unblinking and sad. "I want to go home.." he mumbles, his voice terribly quiet. 

"You are home, Lloyd." Kai replies, sending him a gentle smile,"Your pizza's going cold,"

"This is not my home," Lloyd answers, his gaze slipping to the floor, a frustrated frown scarring his face. His eyes fill with tears. Why is he so emotional all of a sudden? He can barely breathe; there are too many emotions rushing through him. 

Kai is now thoroughly concerned. Sure, Lloyd is a little odd, always a little out of sync with the rest of the world, a distant complicated sad enigma with the ability to confuse anyone he comes into contact with. But.... this is different, really different. His poor greenie doesn't even know what's wrong himself. "You're not okay, are you?" Kai questions, keeping his tone gentle. 

Lloyd continues to stare at the carpet,"Yes.." he whispers with a sigh, as a tear drops down his cheek, beading at the end of his jawline. "I'm okay..," he mutters,"I mean, it's like.. you know when you're underwater and you swim as far down as you can and lie there with your eyes closed and there's just warm blackness all around you and you can't hear anything or see anything and you feel safe? Nothing and no one can hurt you.. then you have to come up again to breathe and everything seem too loud and bright and it's hurts.. it keeps hurting.. and hurting .. and you don't know what to do... you just want to close your eyes underwater and stay there forever.."

Kai opens his mouth to say something, but no sound comes out. What can he possibly say?

Lloyd swallows, and another few tears slips down his cheeks. "But you can't do that because then you'll drown .. so you go back to your life and you try to ignore it all.. but you're head feels as if it's about to explode because there's too many things inside and there's just not enough space. And you're scared.... so scared... and you can't breathe and you can't think and it hurts.. it hurts..." he yanks his hands from Kai's grip, pressing his fingers against his screwed up eyes. A sob chokes out of his shaking form. "And you try to be normal ... but it's too much of a lie to pull off.." 

"Hey.." Kai whispers, sliding his arms around his trembling friend- boyfriend - whatever. "It's okay,"

"Kai," Lloyd whimpers, leaning into Kai, pressing his face into the fire ninja's neck as sobs tear themselves from his throats and hot tears burn like acid on his cheeks. "And K..Kai?"

"Yeah?" Kai whispers, striking his fingers through Lloyd's hair. 

"I might be in love w.. with you.."

Kai smiles, feeling as if he may cry himself,"I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you too.. it's okay.." he says, lightly kissing Lloyd on the forehead. 

"I've never been in love before.. what do I do?" Lloyd questions, nuzzling into Kai's neck sleepily, a few stray tears drop down his cheeks. 

Kai chuckles, wrapping his arms tighter around Lloyd, pulling the green ninja onto his lap. 

Lloyd squeaks, his cheeks flushing a light pink colour. "Wha..?" He begins, his eyes darting around the room before fixing on Kai's hazel ones. 

"This," Kai whispers, his voice a little husky, as he shifts Lloyd so that he's straddling him, then kisses the green ninja again, unable to keep the smile from his face. 

Lloyd kisses back immediately, his mouth opening almost at once to provide space for Kai's tongue. 

Kai groans, his tongue sliding all over Lloyd's mouth, inside and outside, tracing the swollen lines of his lips. He finds himself grinding up against Lloyd a little, unable to stop himself as he produces excited little moans from the blonde every few seconds. 

Lloyd has never felt this way before in his life. His skin burns wherever Kai's fingers touch, a little like pain and a lot like desire. He can't think straight. All he can think is - Kai. 

Kai's finger graze Lloyd's sides, as he debated removing his shirt. Hoe desperately he wants to, to suck marks down Lloyd's chest and claim the green ninja as his own. But he's afraid he's going too fast. He doesn't want to scare Lloyd off.. or worse.. hurt him. 

"Kai~" Lloyd groans, unintentionally grinding back against Kai, disconnecting their mouths to breathe. Well, pant really. It's all the same to him. His eyes are half closed and his mouth is open. 

"Lloyd," Kai whispers, his voice low,"Are we a thing now?"

Lloyd nods, his eyes still closed, a huge smile taking up half of his face,"Yeah,"

Kai grins, moving to kiss Lloyd again. He can barely believe it. He's dating the green ninja.


	10. Attempting happiness

As the evening draws on, they somehow migrate into Lloyd's room. Kai brings his pillows and blankets into the room and they set up a pillow fort. Lloyd puts on Guardians of the Galaxy in the background and they both crawl into the pillow fort, packed with so many blankets and pillows that it's a miracle the both of them can even fit in. Through a gap left open between two pillows, they are given sufficient enough view of the TV. 

Lloyd sighs, resting back against the pillows, his side pressed up against Kai's, an arm slung around the fire ninja. "I'm sorry," he whispers, keeping his eyes on the TV, where Groot and Rocket are attempting to capture Star-Lord.

Kai turns to look at Lloyd, marvelling at the cute ninja snuggled up beside him. He frowns,"What could you possibly be sorry for, greenie?" 

Lloyd sighs again,"It's obvious. I'm sorry for freaking out on you all of the time.. and for making you worry.. I swear if I could stop it I would.. I'm trying so hard, Kai. But I'm still.." another sigh,"Broken.."

"Hey, you're not broken, buddy. Don't say that," Kai replies, touching a gentle kiss to the top of Lloyd's head.

Lloyd smiles a little bit, his eyes sad, still focused on the TV. "I am," he whispers, swallowing,"My parents knew it.. everyone at Darkley's knew it.. and I know you do too, stop pretending you don't,"

"Lloyd, I'm not pretending," Kai replies, though maybe he is pretending, just a little,"I should be the one apologising... where do I even start? I should have been there-"

"No," Lloyd whispers, his tone firm,"Please don't fucking say that. I'd never wish this upon anyone.. especially someone I love," he tells Kai, finally tearing his eyes away from the screen in order to look him in the eyes. "Bad people do bad things, Kai. I thought you knew that already," 

"There are good people too, greenie. I swear there are," Kai answers, touching his fingers to Lloyd's.

"I know. That's not the problem. They all look the same from the outside- it's impossible to tell the good from the bad. Make a mistake, trust the wrong person, then this happens:" he tugs back the edges of his sleeves a little, presenting his thin wrists, scarred with the deep white lines of his father's drunken mistakes. 

All of the colour drains from Kai's face and his mouth drops open. A gazillion different thoughts and emotions rush through him all at once, all negative, all poisonous and piercingly sharp. "Lloyd.." he manages, his voice shaky,"What the hell are they?"

Lloyd stares down at his wrists, his gaze wistful, his eyes following the familiar lines that cut through his skin, old and faded in some places, but still there. Always there. He winces, the images of sharper objects against him being thrust into his brain. They're always there, the barely forgotten demons of his subconscious. In his mind, the blurry objects draw themselves through his skin, flooding his entire body with pain, almost reaching bone. He stifles a yelp.

Kai chokes on a sob, his fingers locking around Lloyd's flimsy wrist as he brings it towards him. "Who did this to you?" he demands, wiping his eyes with his other hand.

Lloyd continues to stare at his wrists, his mouth set in a sad straight line. He doesn't know what he's doing. he didn't mean to show the scars to Kai.. he just kinda did it. Now he's already regretting it immensely. 

"Lloyd, tell me," Kai demands, tears forcibly pushing themselves from his eyes, dripping soundlessly down his cheeks. He's crying, now, unable to stop himself. The sight of the scars on Lloyd's wrists remind him of his own past, one that he desperately wants to forget. Who would want to remember the things they did when they were at their worst? Who would want to remember their poisonous moments, their horrible mistakes, their own soul demolishing pain? He doesn't, because it hurts. It hurts to think about the pain he caused and the pain he felt. 

"My dad," Lloyd mumbles, tearing his wrist from Kai's slackened grip,"He was drunk, as if that makes it any better.." 

"Shit, greenie. That's- shit..." Kai blows out a shaky breath, his eyes sliding up to meet with Lloyd's. He hold the gaze for a long time, not doing anything but breathing, shallow shaky breaths that catch in his throat with nearly every inhalation. "Why didn't you tell me?" he questions, wiping a stray tear from his cheek,"Why don't you trust me?"

Lloyd sighs once more,"I don't trust anyone. You're not special,"

"We're going out, there has to be some trust," Kai replies, frowning. He's hurt, like anyone would be. Why doesn't Lloyd trust him? Has he done something wrong already? He blows out a long breath, groaning. These sorts of thoughts are terribly familiar. They belong to his past, barely forgotten self hatred and confusion. He thought he'd locked them deep away within himself, but it seems they've broken free, crashed through the metal bars of his mind, leaving only rubble behind.

"I know, Kai. You know I'm new at this," Lloyd replies, resting his head on Kai's shoulder,"I'm sorry I'm such a weirdo.. I.. I'm trying not to be, if it's any consolation.

"Hey," Kai murmurs, an arm snaking around Lloyd's wrist to tug him closer,"Stop saying that. You're beautiful, in every way. That's why I love you, silly. You're brave, greenie, and cute and sweet and caring and funny and wonderful. You make me happier than I have ever felt in my entire life. What part of that is bad?"

Lloyd giggles softly, nuzzling into Kai's shirt,"You think that?"

"Of course I do," Kai replies, blushing just a little bit, his eyes on Lloyd, snuggled against him, his thin limbs tangled around Kai's waist.

"Rest in peace the movie," Lloyd whispers, rolling on top of Kai, his palms flat on the duvet either side of him. He gazes down into Kai's hazel eyes, grinning and blushing at the same time.

Kai laughs, allowing Lloyd to remain above hm. What's the harm in messing around? It's better than crying. "What are you doing, greenie?" he asks.

"What I want," the green ninja replies, before leaning in and pressing his lips against Kai's sloppily. He moves his hands to pin Kai's arms down, pushing him against the blankets.

Kai gasps in shock, an involuntary moan slipping past his lips, muffled by Lloyd's mouth, It's odd to think about what their conversation had been only a few moments prior. It feels good to be doing something positive again, no matter how short lived it may turn out to be. He kisses back, eyes fluttering closed.

Lloyd has no idea what he's doing. The good thing about that is, he seldom does. He rarely uses logic to figure out what to do. To him, facts are basically meaningless. Reality, a scam, until now. Now, his reality feels truly real for once in his life, gloriously in focus, despite the desire attempting to blur it. He's always acting upon feeling. Now is no exception. He continues kissing Kai, revelling in the amazing sense of control he experiences. He feels happily powerful, in their small wafer thin world. In this pretty little slip of time, he can barely remember what unhappiness feels like. He can barely remember how it feels to cry, to scream, to cover his face with his hands and curl into a small ball of shaking limbs, to be afraid, so terribly afraid, that he can't breathe, can't move, can't think. He smiles into Kai's mouth, his lips curving upwards carefully, a beautiful soft shape pushing against him. His eyes are closed, but he barely registers it; his entire form is on fire, burning invisibly inside and out. It hurts, he thinks, but hurriedly pushes the thought away. He can handle pain. Pain at the expense of something great is the only thing he can't ignore.

Kai flips him over elegantly, his fingers pushing into the fabric of Lloyd's shirt as they trace lines down his still fully clothed chest.

Lloyd opens his eyes, a little shaken. His smile never leaves him, only grows wider as a little excited giggle escapes him. "Kai.." he whispers, locking eyes with the fire ninja above of him.

"Yeah, greenie?" Kai breathes, leaning in so close to him that his lips are inches from his face. His breath is warm and tickles Lloyd's skin.

"I.." he begins, blinking, his eyes never leaving Kai's,"I.." He doesn't know how to say it. Ever been in that position? Your emotions are so strong, so intense, that they flood your whole body, drowning you? Even if they're good, they're still too much, and you don't know how to say it. You don't know how to explain your brain, your heart, your mind, the way you feel, because you don't even understand it yourself. 

"Yeah..?" Kai presses, waiting, his gaze expectant, limbs slightly trembling from the effort of holding back the lust.

Lloyd's next breath catches in his throat. His scars sting. He closes his eyes, squeezing them tightly shut. Even happiness is suffocating. His eyes burn like fire behind his closed lids.

"What's wrong?" Kai whispers, sliding his palm over to cup Lloyd's cheek in his hand. His thumb smooths across the skin there, delicately. 

"I don't know," Lloyd mumbles in reply, tears filling his eyes,"I don't get it," They overflow, streaking down his cheeks in warm wet lines.

"Hey, it's okay," Kai whispers, touching a small kiss to his nose gently, his free hand stroking through his blonde hair,"What don't you get?"

"Myself," Lloyd answers, swallowing down a sob as he tries in vain to stop the tears," I want this, Kai. I want you," he pushes a finger into Kai's chest,"But it hurts.."

"Hurts? Hurts where?" Kai questions, frowning down at hm, concern twisting his expression.

"Every. Where," He whispers.

"Everywhere?"

Lloyd nods, hiccuping,"It shouldn't, should it?" He blinks up at Kai, looking a total and utter wreck, with his tear stained cheeks, messy hair, bags under eyes...

Kai shakes his head,"No, I don't think it should. People say love hurts, but it isn't supposed to be physical,"

"I never said it was physical," Lloyd replies, rubbing his eyes with his fists, sighing,"I'm sorry," 

"No. Stop. No apologies," Kai orders, pressing his finger against Lloyd's lips, silencing him. 

The green ninja just blinks, confused,"M'kay.." he murmurs, his voice muffled by Kai's finger. He smiles a little, bemused.

Immediately, Kai relaxes, powered by the small amount of positive energy suddenly radiating off of Lloyd, and removes his finger. "I think I went too far there, Lloyd. That was my fault. I'm the one that should be sorry, okay?" He climbs off of Lloyd, taking up the space beside him as his own,"You're tired. Get some sleep and we'll talk about it tomorrow," 

Lloyd sighs, closing his eyes,"You didn't go too far. I don't know what happened, but that isn't it," he frowns upwards into nothing,"I don't want to go to sleep,"

"You should, greenie," Kai replies,"It's late," he rolls away from Lloyd, tugging the blanket closest over himself.

Lloyd doesn't say anything in reply, just does the same, then curls into a ball, pressing his forehead into his knees, groaning quietly. His head is too mixy for him to settle yet. It's going to take him a while to find sleep tonight, but he's okay with that. He just closes his eyes, lying next to Kai in their makeshift pillow fort, and hopes for the best.


	11. Complications

Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon was an extremely difficult child. He'd like to think it was because of his father - which it partly was - but it wasn't entirely. It was more to do with the way his brain worked, how he reacted to what happened to him. An introverted slightly sociopathic six year old would be hard to deal with in the best of situations.

Lying on the double bed in a hotel at least 10 hours away from where the Bounty is situated, Misako debates her most recent life decisions. It is still unclear to her whether she should have left the Bounty at all. Sensei and the other ninja have accompanied her so far, but have been unable to lend much comfort to her constant anxiety. It had been Sensei's idea, in fact, to leave. The plan had been for all of them to have a short vacation, but, as most initially great plans go, it didn't work out exactly like that. Lloyd apparently got ill, and Kai said he'd remain behind with him until he got better. Sensei had decided to separate without telling her. She only realised she couldn't see her son in the car when they arrived at the airport. The memory causes a lump to form in her throat.

She can't help worrying about her son. It's her job, isn't it? Overworked, under-payed 100% necessary job. She's constantly concerned about the welfare of her family. No, perhaps family is too strong a word. Garmadon destroyed that a long time ago, and she'll never forget it.

She closes her eyes, sighing. Garmadon was her everything, a long time ago. Back in the day, she thinks with a sad half-chuckle. He was her reason to live, every happy thought she had, every smile, every laugh, every starlit night and every orange sunset. But then the evil overtook him, like she'd always feared it world. She'd overestimated his strength to hold on, as one often does with people one loves. The evil stole him, and in turn, he stole everything from her. He unraveled her life, leaving the strings of her heart cast about the globe in tatters. He hurled the broken shards of her happiness far away. She hasn't seen them since.

That's what happens, though, when you trust someone too much, in all the wrong ways. She made many mistakes in the early days of her life, mistakes she's now paying for in her later ones. Out of all the things she got wrong, the terrible paths she accidentally set herself walking down, Lloyd was the only decision she doesn't regret. Sending him to Darkley's was the hardest thing she ever made herself do. But it worked, perfectly. She separated him from her, from Garmadon, from their cheap torn dilapidated house and even more dilapidated life. It broke her, but it saved him. At least, partly. It saved him enough for him to be able to live in some kind of peace.

*

When Lloyd was 9, Misako took him to an amusement park to take both of their minds off of the recent divorce. She had divorced Garmadon as soon as she found out he'd tried to kill their son, as anyone would. He hadn't been happy, but she hadn't cared. She fell out of love with him way before this.

The amusement park had been situated in America, one of the colossal adverts that takes up most of the magazines. They'd taken a few planes, carrying only their hand luggage and their passports. It was supposed to be a time for them to clear their heads, organize their life and attempt a little respite from the inner turmoil associated with their home back in England. It went wrong in a few different ways.

After arriving at the hotel late the previous night, the both of them had got a taxi to the amusement park, 15 minutes from it. The sight of it blew Lloyd away. He'd never seen something so gigantic and amazing in his entire life. The mood boards of his mind were filled with greys, blacks, dark evil colours, dull depressing tones and crimson blood red shades marring his vision. The mixture of oranges, yellows, purple and blue stalls, multicoloured lights and crazy green and yellow signs left him utterly in awe. He stood there at the entrance of it all unable to move for so long he'd held up the queue to get in.

Misako had smiles, her first smile in what, to her, felt like forever, and gently touched her palm to his back, leading him through the gates and onwards into the mass of colours and sounds that lay ahead of them.

The first few minutes of it had been heaven. Picture perfect life, a glorious lie to plaster upon themselves, sheltering them from the reality of their predicament.

In his dream, Lloyd can remember it all as clearly as if it were still happening. In his dream, a wonderland becomes hell within the space of 10 minutes.

"Where do you want to go first, Lloyd?" Misako asks, her hand tightly laced between his, a small smile cut across her face in the shape of an upturned cresent moon.

He looks at her, his green eyes full of the glittering colours of the lights surrounding them both, a truly excited look on his face. He smiles, something she didn't know she was begging him to do until he did it, and says,"Can I get some candy?"

Misako laughs a little; typical Lloyd. But in this moment, she doesn't care that sugar is bad for him, for her, that as a parent she probably shouldn't allow it, that she may be frowned upon in years to come because of her frivolous decisions. Spoiling a child who hasn't felt happiness in a lifetime for a short while can't be bad, can it? She feels as if she's trying to make up for the horrors he endured back at home. Poor thing. She hopes it will change something, that he'll be happier, stop looking at her with sad, dead eyes, stop having nightmares, stop crying, and crying, and crying.. She hopes she can give him hope, prove to him that there is good in the world too, it's just hard to find sometimes. If you can't locate it, you just have to try harder.

"Of course you can," She tells him, a warm smile resting on her face. Gosh, smiling. She'll have to get used to that sensation. She takes Lloyd to the first stall. It's a small and colourful thing, mostly made up of tent and popcorn machine. It's filled to the brim with golden popcorn kernels. There's a table lying across the front, and on it are over a dozen glass jars of candy. There's too many brands for her to be able to name them all.

Lloyd's pointing at a large red lollipop suspended from the top of the tent with a piece of string, his eyes bright.

She laughs again, turning her eyes towards the stallholder, a short, blonde girl with kind chocolate eyes. "This is a lovely stall," she remarks, her British accent evident. She doesn't care.

The girl behind the stall nods, grinning from ear to ear, her voice reflecting the colour of her eyes,"Yeah, it is sweet. No pun intended. It's my sister's, I'm just looking after it for the day,"

Misako nods, her eyes sliding across everything there is laid out before her. "Bristol is so bare compared to this," she says with a little sigh.

"You're from England?" The stallholder questions, sending a friendly smile in the direction of Lloyd, who's currently observing the assortment of candies available with wide eyes.

Misako nods,"Yes, we are," She replies, before turning her attention back to her son. "Lloyd, what would you like?"

Lloyd doesn't reply, just stares at the candy, his eyes as wide as saucers. The lollipop is a big red swirl, bigger than his hand. The top of it reflects the blue light from the ride behind him. He doesn't see the blue, only the red. It's probably strawberry flavoured, he tries to think, or cherry. His breath catches in his throat. It's red, not strawberry or cherry. Red, too red. He doesn't like it. His wrists were that colour a few months ago. He'd had to go in hospital because of it. Bad red. Bad colour. It looks just like his brain does when he has flashbacks. It looks like the sky at night when there's too many city lights on. It dyes the sky, this colour. It looks like-

He closes his eyes, cutting himself off frown the sight presented in front of him. His father stands before him, a blurry, swaying figure towering over him. He steps back, cowering into the wardrobe. It's in your head, he tells himself, it's not real, not real. But it feels real. His father follows him. The only sounds are his ragged breathing and the accelerated hump thump of his heart in his ears.

"Lloyd?" Misako questions, her smile melting into a frown as soon as she sees him. She steps closer to him, just one uncertain step, and her arm extends outwards. "Honey, what's wrong?"

Lloyd slides to the ground, wrapping his arms around his head, his eyes screwed tightly shut. "Help," he gasps, tears streaming down his face,"H-help,"

His father presses him against the cold hard wood, his red eyes cruel and unforgiving as they glare down at him. In his hand is the blade. He brings it closer to Lloyd, his eyes clouded with hazy inebriation.

"Help! Mom!" Lloyd screams, another sob tearing itself from his raw throat.

Misako bends down beside him on the grass, her motions slow and steady, like she's done this before. She has. Her hand takes up it's place on Lloyd's shoulder. "Lloyd, honey, it's okay. I'm here," she murmurs.

It smells nice, he thinks. Fresh. Like he's outside. But he can't be outside, he's in a wardrobe. He's going to die. "Stop," he begs, squinting up at his father in fear.

Garmadon only smiles, a cruel, twisted thing that begins on one side of his mouth and finishes on the other. His teeth are too sharp and the inside of his mouth is too black. a black hole, preparing to suck Lloyd towards it and utterly destroy him.

He forgets how to breathe.

"What's wrong with him?" the smallholder questions, frowning down at both mother and son.

Misako doesn't reply. She doesn't want to. To put into words the horrors they've both experienced will only make the feel worse. "Lloyd, listen to me: you're safe. You're fine. Your father's gone. I won't let him hurt you ever again, you hear me? I swear," She the;;s him, smoothing her hand through his soft blonde hair.

"Should I call 911?" smallholder girl asks, flipping out her iPhone.

"No. I've got this," Misako answers, continuing to comfort her son.

Slowly, very slowly, he calms down. His breathing slows, breaths becoming less ragged and less like pants. He stops shaking and the tears stop falling. He leans into Misako's side, his little arms wrapping around her with such strength that she wonders whether she'll ever be able to tear him off of her. He buries his face in her clothes and passes out.

"I'm sorry," she says, glancing up at the smallholder from where she sits, half-crouched on the wet grass, holding her unconscious 9 year old him her trembling embrace. They look like a mess, both of them. And this time, looks aren't deceiving.

*

lloyd wakes up with a start. For a second, he doesn't know where he is. The colours around him are all wrong, and it's too dark to be morning but too light to be night. His breathing is all wrong, he notices, it's too fast and raspy and the tightness in his chest won't dissipate. His face feels wet, grossly so. He wipes his nose on his sleeve, squinting in the semi-darkness to see what colour it is. It's hard to see, but-

Red. Blood. Red.

He suddenly feels nauseous. His arm drops to his side, dead weight. His mind is still fuzzy from sleep and he feels too tired to walk but gets up anyways, navigating past various pillows and obsiticles, including Kai.

Upon reaching the bathroom, he closes the door behind him with shaking clammy hands and slumps onto the cold tiled floor, whimpering.

Eight years later, and his mind is still going crazy, sending emotions upon emotions hurling into his system. He yanks off his T-shirt. He still feels sick. He wants to get the red away from him. He'd been doing better at ealing with the, he had been. Then the dream had to go and happen. The memory in dream form. So sneaky, you stupid thing. I don't want you, he thinks, I don't want this. It's as if he never tried to change himself. It's as if the past few years never were.

He stands up, breathing heavily. He wants Kai, but doesn't want to wake him up. Out of the corner of his eye, he glimpses his reflection in the mirror. His pale face is streaked with both dry and wet blood, mostly situated around his nose. Of course. You're never free, are you? He gags, spinning around quick enough to make it to the toilet. Goddammit.

He slides to his knees once more, wincing as the action causes pain. His nose has started bleeding again; he can feel the disgusting wetness dripping down his face. He pukes again, squeezing his eyes shut in pain. His throat burns. It feels like he's swallowed acid. Technically, he has. He groans, resting his head against the rim of the toilet. It's the closest thing he has to a pillow without having to trek the long corridor back to his room. He wants to fall asleep and never wake up again.

Slowly, his consciousness begins to evade him, and he receives at least part of what he wants.


	12. It burns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter :)

When Kai wakes up he's alone. The room is bright, lit up in greens and reds as the sunlight filters through the blankets hung up everywhere. He blinks, his eyes fixed on the empty space beside him. Empty. "Lloyd," he whispers, sighing. Fuck, he thinks, I'm seriously in love. Sometimes he thinks that he's not the right type of person for love. It just isn't his thing. It burns more than it soothes and it hurts more than it helps. But with Lloyd.... god, he just feels as if it should be different. Every time he looks at Lloyd, it's as if the blond is standing under a spotlight. 

He stands up, moving himself through the multitude of blankets and pillows before reaching the door. It's open, spilling red and green tinted sunlight into the hallway. "Lloyd?" He calls, leaving the room,"Where are you?" He tries not to be afraid. Has something bad happened? God - please - no. He has to be okay. Tears fill his eyes, and his vision wobbles,"Lloyd!" He cries out, voice cracking. "Lloyd!" He yells, his eyes widening as frightening images from deep within his brain glimmer across the back of his eyelids - fake realities where Lloyd's hurt or in trouble, and there's nothing he can do. He's crying now, only a little. 

"Kai...?" An extremely tired voice mumbles in reply. It's coming from the bedroom, he can gauge that much. 

He doesn't even think, can't even think. Emotions tug at him, fear the most prominent of them all, leaving gaping holes as it tears through his insides. It burns. He finds himself standing in the threshold of the bathroom, his cheeks shining with streaky tear tracks. "Greenie," his voice trembles, tone fracturing, cracking at the edges,"Are y..you okay?"

Lloyd attempts to sit up, but it hurts too much. His entire form is slumped on the floor, half curled into himself and half turned outwards. He'd been sleeping, for a short while - if you can even call it that. It was more sleeping in the most general sense of the word: not conscious. "Kai.." he mumbles, rolling over slowly to face the door, his eyes half lidded,"M'okay... how'r you?"

"Holy fucking shit," Kai gasps as he steps into the room, his eyes growing even wider - if possible. "What happened? Why are you covered in blood?" He questions, bending down next to Lloyd, not caring that he's getting crimson all over his knees. His eyes lock with Lloyd's. "Talk to me," he begs, eyes filling up with unshed tears,"Please,"

"I had a dream- m..more a memory.. of my mom.. and me.. and.. and.. red," Lloyd replies, folding his arms across his chest tightly to provide himself egg some form of security. 

Kai frowns,"Red? The colour?" He asks, eyebrows knitting together as his expression flicks into visible confusion. 

"Mhm," Lloyd nods,"S'always been a bad colour," he mumbles, coughing,"And then I woke up with a stupid nosebleed a... again and.." he glances sideways at the toilet, his eyes still partly closed, expression both pained and guarded. 

Kai's eyes follow Lloyd's, and his frown deepens. "Did you puke up blood?" He questions, pushing back the mounting concern with as much force as he can muster. 

Lloyd shakes his head slowly,"No. It just looks like it. I..." he shudders, squeezing his eyes shut and swallowing. Even Kai's pyjamas are red. He can't deal with that right now. "Can you please change your clothes?" He whispers, still keeping his eyes closed,"The red.. it's-"

"Okay. You stay right here, you hear me? Don't try to move and I'll be right back," Kai tells him before getting up and slowly leaving the room. 

Lloyd still doesn't even open his eyes. The darkness is vaguely peaceful, if he blocks out everything else. His palms slide to his ears, clamping down on them. No sound. He pushes his forehead into his knees and lets out a groan that he can't even hear. No. Feeling. He holds his breath for a few seconds, a subconscious test. No life. 

Only there is life. Life and death, two things that will continuously survive, fighting each other for eternity in the hope of prosperity. It's the reality of things: life, death, on, off, here, gone, happy, sad, black, white. Polar opposites, the building blocks of everything in between. Living is a vast spectrum, ranging from the most prosperous happy healthy person to a miserable on on the brink of death. Happy, sad, and every emotion in between. Black, white, and every shade in between. Every second, every atom, every sensation: life. Death is just the absence of it, a blank canvas, the space left in your heart when you loose someone. Nothingness. A void. An abyss. 

Lloyd coughs into his knees, squeezing his eyes even tighter shut as the violent action causes his chest to ache. He feels a little bit not good. 

Kai returns, wearing a too small black hoodie and a pair of thin blue pants. His expression is unreadable, too most for Lloyd to comprehend. 

The green ninja looks up at Kai from behind his eyelashes a little awkwardly, his demeanour nervous. 

"Do you think you can stand up?" Kai asks him, moving closer, his eyes darting around the room. He's unsure, a little out of his depth. But they both are, so it's okay. 

Lloyd swallows, slowly uncurling himself from the floor and moving into a shaky standing position. He's too pale and every slight sway gives the impression that he's about to collapse. 

Kai's by his side in an instant, a hand on the green ninja's back for support. He frowns. He can feel every individual bone in Lloyd's spine through his shirt. That can't be good. He leads Lloyd into the living room and helps him sit down on the couch before joining him, unsure what to do or say. 

Lloyd swallows thickly, balling his fists against his chest and resting them under his chin. "Thank you," he mumbles, voice incredibly weak. He too has no clue what to do. 

"It's okay.." Kai replies, blushing a little,"Do you want anything to drink? Tea?" He asks, resting his palm on his boyfriend's leg. 

Lloyd nods,"Can I have some tea?" He asks softly, blinking. 

"Sprite tea?" Kai questions, a small smile tugging at the edge of his mouth. 

Lloyd nods,"And double dip. My mom used to make it for me," he pulls his knees up to his chest,gripping them into himself as if creating a wall to protect himself against the outside world,"And Treggi spaghetti," he mumbles, blinking again, this time slower. 

Kai nods,"Okay. Put on a movie or something and I'll go make some food,"

Lloyd nods in response and picks up the remote between his fingers. He doesn't know what he wants to watch... except endgame of course, but he can't exactly just find that on Netflix. It will have to be planned. Tickets will have to be bought and they just haven't got around to doing that yet. He turns the TV on and flicks through Netflix lazily. He could always rewatch a series he saw a while ago. The thing is, there's so many different shows on offer. 

~

Kai searches through the cupboards in the kitchen, looking for the ingredients he knows he'll need in order to make the spaghetti. He used to make it for Nya when they were younger. It had been the only meal he cold prepare successfully, so in between cheap frozen dishes and overly priced takeouts, it had become their main source of food. Mom had taught him how to make it, aided him through the steps with the frowning pride only a mother could truly experience. It seems Misako must have done the same sort of thing with Lloyd: taught Gina smattering of life skills in the hope that he'll be able to fend for himself sooner. She still remains undecided when concerning whether it was effective or not. 

He reaches into the top left cupboard, retrieving a large pan. He places it on top of the hob after filling it halfway with tap water. He locates the sachet of Treggi sauce and the jumbo packet of pasta tubes wrapped tightly in an obscene amount of plastic. 

He isn't fully aware of what he's doing; it comes naturally to him, so much so that he's just going through the motions of food preparation without any emotional investment at all. He doesn't doubt his decisions or actions, just does them, like a robot, a pre-programmed machine incapable of doing anything other than exactly what it's told. It should concern him, having this sudden and utter detachment from the rest of the world and the entirety of his own species. It should concern him, but it doesn't. He has little choice when it comes to what he truly feels feel down. He can't control his emotions, only attempt to direct them in what could possibly be the right direction. Anger directed outwards, pain directed in on himself.... he really hasn't been doing a good job of it, has he? That's one thing he and Lloyd have in common: they are bad at being people, bad at anything remotely connected to normalcy. The are two elaborate enigmas hidden amongst the general population like a crazy game of hide and seek. They are everything and nothing like each other all at once. 

He leaves the pasta to simmer and begins making the tea. One sprite teabag for Lloyd and one double dip teabag for himself. They're sharing stuff, is what friends - boyfriends - should do, isn't it? He isn't sure. Like Lloyd, he's never had a fully committed relationship before. Cue utter disaster. He's constantly afraid of messing up, going too fast, saying the wrong thing. He wants to help Lloyd but not baby him. He wants to love him but not ruin him. There's only a fine line in between. He needs to locate this fine line, trace a path across it and possibly, possibly, reach the other side without utter catastrophe. The thing is, he doesn't know whether he's more afraid of falling or staying upright. What's more frightening - messing up or doing everything exactly right? Is there really supposed to be an an answer? 

When the teas are done he carries them through to Lloyd, pushing the worrisome emotions down within him and focusing the burning sensation of the too hot mug scalding his skin as he clutches it in his palm. He's scared because the pain helps, and it really really shouldn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	13. Cue utter disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF SELF HARM AT THE END

When Kai returns with their tea, things begin to seem a little more normal. They put on Doctor Who and dial the lights down really low, so that they can barely see a foot in front of them. The only important thing to see is the TV anyways. Neither of them talk for a long time, preferring to keep themselves fixated on the screen in a slightly awkward silence. 

Lloyd yawns, glancing down at his mug of sprite tea. His hands are shaking, so he puts the mug down and clenches them into fists. He can't rid himself of the building anxiety. It filters through his skin, mixing with his blood, coursing in zigzags through his veins. It's skittle painful - okay, more than a little. He has the most terrible feeling that something bad is about to happen. He wishes it would go away. 

Kai turns to face Lloyd, placing a comforting hand on his boyfriend's shoulder. He can sense Lloyd's paranoia; he used to be just the same. "It's okay, greenie," he whispers,"Whatever's bothering you.. we'll sort it out," 

"I don't even know," Lloyd mumbles, blowing out a long sigh,"I'm just being an idiot about nothing," he chuckles quietly,"Always happens.. I don't think I'm quite used to being safe just yet. I... I keep expecting the ground to fall out from underneath me,"

"I won't let it," Kai replies, leaning over to touch a kiss to Lloyd's cheek, a hand sneaking around him. 

He closes his eyes, leaning into Kai's touch. "Thank you," he mumbles, resting his head on Kai's shoulder. 

Kai smiles, cheeks flushing a little as the simple words warm his insides, touching his heart with feathery fingertips. "You don't need to thank me; it's my job as your boyfriend to make sure you're safe," 

Lloyd laughs quietly, his eyes bright, and manoeuvres into a position where he can face Kai. He looks into the hazel eyes that face him, a smile stuck on his face. "I love you," he whispers, leaning forward to press his lips against Kai's, a gentle heartfelt gesture. 

Kai reciprocates immediately, tilting his head a little to the side as he kisses back slowly. They gradually melt into each other, and he slings an arm around Lloyd's waist to tug them closer. Kai wants more. He wants and he wants and he wants. 

A single tear beads in the corner of Lloyd's eye before dropping down his cheek and falling into their mouths. 

Kai frowns, pulling away reluctantly to search his boyfriend's face with visible concern. "You okay, greenie?" 

Lloyd nods hurriedly and scrubs at his eyes with his fists. "Jus' tired," he mumbles, gaze dropping to the couch. 

Kai nods,"You're always tired, though. It's literally your default," He tries not to let his worry show. 

Lloyd chews on his lip, suddenly needing to mentally grip onto something as flickers of unwanted images threaten to control him. He forcibly shoves them down within him along with every emotion associated with them. Suppressing his emotions comes at a cost, and he won't be able to do it for long. They'll be back soon. They always will. They build and build and build up within him until the strain of keeping them at bay becomes too much. Then they overflow, spilling over the sides like a too-full glass. Then he's renders utterly incapacitated, the energy sucked out of him for the remainder of the day. 

Kai picks up the TV remote and puts Doctor Who on mute. "You should probably sleep," He tells him,"I'll go get your blanket,"

Lloyd nods slowly, his eyes following Kai as he stands up and leaves the room. He feels younger than he is. Garmadon could probably walk in here and slap him and he wouldn't even question it. It's crazy how, in a moments notice, he can slip back to something very different, wind back time if only in his own brain. He's afraid it'll drive him insane, but it hasn't yet so that's alright. He closes his eyes, slumping into the couch cushions in defeat. Sleep takes him in a second. 

~

"Lloyd.. son.. it's your father, Garmadon," the person on the other side of the door says,"Please open up. I.. I just want to talk to you,

15 year old Lloyd rests his head back against the door, hugging his knees into his chest. "Go away.." he murmurs, pressing his eyes closed, ignoring the tears that escape and streak down his cheeks in long glistening lines. 

"Son, please. I'm sorry - I'm so sorry.. for... everything. You deserve so much better than me, but I want you to understand that it wasn't me who hurt you. That person I used to be.. wasn't human, wasn't me. I - they... were controlled by the venom of the great devourer. I would never... I would never hurt you." Garnadon continues, knocking on the door,"Please let me in," 

The sound vibrates through the wood, assaulting Lloyd's ears. He clamps his hands over them and a pained noise escapes him,"Go. Away," he sobs,"GO. AWAY,"

"Son-" Garmadon begins, his tone soft, pleading, a painful beg. 

"I'm not your son!" Lloyd screams, jumping to his feet, his entire body trembling. He kicks at the door, once, twice, three times, whimpering in pain as his foot cries out for him to stop. "Get out of our house!" He yells, uncontrollable sobs shaking his form. His legs are already weakening, threatening to send him crashing to the floor again. 

"Lloyd, please, listen to your father," Misako begs, her voice morphing into incomprehensible sounds as it passes through the door to the other side. 

"He's not my father!" Lloyd screams, sliding to his knees, all the energy turn from him. "He shouted at me.. and hit me.. tried to kill me and he never, NEVER LOVED ME!" He sobs, curling in on himself Ashe shivers and cries, cheeks soaked with tears and body ridden with bruises. 

He remains in his room like that for a week, refusing to eat, move or leave. He stays huddled on the floor, silently crying until he has no tears left, until he feels dead and empty, as if he's a stuffed toy and someone's ripped all of the stuffing out from inside him. And then he just lies there, staring at his newly scarred wrists until he falls asleep. And when he wakes up he just does the same, for hours and hours and hours. He rethinks every word he's ever spoken, every word someone's ever spoken to him. He feels like crying again but he has no tears left inside him. He rolls over and screams into the carpet again and again until his throat hurts and his voice wears out. He rolls over and passes out, hands the controls over to unconsciousness. He lets the darkness cover his vision, wishing it was death. 

~

When Lloyd wakes up, back in the present time and far away from his father, he can't breathe. He blinks rapidly, sitting up groggily as the smell of smoke causes his eyes to sting. The room feels like a furnace. He groans, rubbing at his face as confusion courses through him. He moves to stand up, allowing his blanket to fall to the floor. Kai must have brought it to him after he'd fallen asleep. Oh. Oh. Where's Kai?

He moves to the corridor, coughing as he inhales a lungful of smoke. It's filtering through the air, this smoke, obscuring his vision and causing everything to appear hit and darkened. It suddenly dawns on him: smoke equals fire. His eyes grow wide. "Kai!" He wheezes, stumbling, reaching out blindly for the wall as dizziness swamps him, turning his vision into a black and white blotchy mess. He slides to the floor, gasping and coughing, unable to get enough oxygen as his eyesight glitches in and out of focus. "Kai," he chokes out, straining to remain conscious. The smoke fills the room, swamping him entirely. He doesn't understand. He's slowly suffocating, has to be dreaming.. but it feels so really. He's probably dying.. and where's Kai? Where is he?

You said you'd protect me. You promised. 

Liar. 

Liar. 

Why did you lie to me?

Something between a sob and a laugh chokes out of his mouth, the sound mixing with the swirling fog around him. His vision glitters, and glowing flames pixelate in front of him, chunks of contrasting colours he can't remember how to name. His eyelids droop, closing across his eyes like inky black doors sliding shut. He's going to die, he realises. It doesn't hit him like it should, this realisation. His eyes won't open, but his life doesn't flash before his eyes or anything. It's not a movie, he thinks and produces something that would be a smile if he could still control his muscles. In movies, there are happy endings. 

This is a sad one. 

~

It's easy to blame inanimate objects when things go wrong, so that's what Kai does. It's the spaghetti's fault for becoming burnt, not his. He ignores the fact that he forgot about it, allowed it to catch fire without his realisation. It's not your fault, he tells himself, even though it is. He can barely see anything in the kitchen; there's too much smoke. It costs the cupboards, billowing towards the ceiling in curling little wisps. Flames kick across the carpet, demolishing the fabric as if it were paper. They spread so quickly he's barely given a chance to leap out of the way before they're at the threshold of the door, a cracking orange mass in front of him. 

The Bounty is on fire. He spins on the spot, inside what to do. His elemental power is fire, but that doesn't mean he can control it. He creates flames, but has absolutely no idea how to destroy them. The feeling of smoke clogging his throat brings him out of his confused daze and he coughs, staggering forwards. He has to find Lloyd. 

He stumbles through the doorway into the living room, smoke pursuing him, pouring into the room in a gigantic torrent. Oh god. He covers his mouth and nose with his sleeve, trying his best not to suffocate. He finds this task extremely difficult, especially with the depleting amount of oxygen in the air. 

Lloyd's blanket lies in a bundle on the carpet and one of the cushions sits on the floor, abandoned. Lloyd is nowhere in sight. Kai sighs into his arm, blinking repeatedly as his vision begins to blur. No, he can't lose consciousness yet. He pushes himself from the room, wincing as the door falls to the carpet with a gigantic crack. Flames soak through the wood, eating the material up in minutes. He presses on down the hallway and doesn't look back. Looking back wastes time. He doesn't have much of that left. 

He finds Lloyd in the hallway outside the bedrooms. He can barely recognise it as part of their own home anymore. The wallpaper's peeling off of the walls, blackening at the ends as it curls into small shrivelled spirals. The carpet's mostly gone, allowing the flames to reach the wooden floorboards underneath. There's no stopping it, Kai thinks, and the thought paralyses him. A flash of green has him turning on his heel, eyes wide. 

Lloyd's slumped against the wall, his body curved into the plasterboard, his limbs as limp as a rag doll's. His eyes are closed and he's barely breathing. 

Kai stumbles to his side, coughing as smoke forces its way into his lungs and his head swims. He isn't sure whether there's enough strength left in him to do what he needs to do. He isn't sure that it matters he bends down in format of Lloyd, forcing himself to remain steady as he manoeuvres his boyfriend into his arms. He's lighter than Kai thought he'd be. Standing up is a struggle especially as he has to support the weight of another person on top of his own, but he manages it. Somehow, he manages it. 

There isn't much of the Bounty left. The flames have gnawed through it, demolishing wall after wall until all that's left is fire and smoke. He stumbles through what used to be their makeshift front door, collapsing onto the ground just outside. The fresh air is a stark contrast from the smoke clogged air he's just led behind. It tastes sour and sharp in his mouth;wrong. He rolls over, coughing as the short wisps if smoke drift towards him. He flicks his attention to Lloyd. 

The green ninja lies next to him in the singed grass, his eyes carefully presses closed. His chest rises and falls slowly as he breathes in and out through a partially open mouth. There's scratches on his face and his clothes are ridden with blackened holes where they've burnt through to his skin. 

Kai swallows thickly, shifting so that he's in a sitting position. He lifts Lloyd's body carefully and rests him against his own. Kai holds him close as tears bead in his eyes. He's never hated himself more. Lloyd could've died in there, and it's his fault. What will Sensei say? And the others? He screws his eyes shut as the tears poor over, striping his scratched cheeks with wetness. 

He doesn't know what he's feeling, only that he hasn't felt this way since he OD'd. He blinks and his eyelids stick together grossly like they're covered in glue. He's messed up. He turns away from his boyfriend, allowing Lloyd's head to slip into his lap. It feels right. He yanks down his left sleeve with shaking fingers. The action feels terrifyingly familiar and he hates it. A small flame springs forth in his palm, redder and prettier than the flames engulfing the Bounty. His breath hitches; a moment of consideration. He presses the fire against the skin of his arm; a split second decision. It hurts like hell, but god, he loves it.


	14. A cry for help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should’ve posted this a while ago but I forgot.

When Lloyd opens his eyes, the world is a distorted, faded version of itself. Light changes shape, becoming a formless piercingly bright pixelated blur in the midst of the dull surroundings. He blinks, shifting a faction to take stock of where he is. He's on a floral light pink couch with many scuff marks and tears on. The room is dimly lit by a single yellow bulb located in the middle of the white ceiling. He blinks again, confused for a moment. It looks just like his mom's living room. After she divorced Garmadon they could no longer afford the house they had, and so were forced to occupy a small and slightly dilapidated bungalow. The garden has been a mess, a tangle of overgrown weeds and dead flowers, but Lloyd had played there everyday. He creates single-player games that only an only child would know how to play. It has been fun while it lasted. He hadn't exactly known how to play, as he hadn't done much of it when they had lived with Garmadon. This had hardly mattered though; he'd make it up as he went along, fashioning new rules to suit him. Misako had watched him from the house, an interested audience, as he scrambled across the untidy garden with excitement, completely immersed in the fantasy world within his head. She's thought it sweet, and still does now. 

He pushes himself up into a sitting position on the couch, wincing as the action causes a flash of pain to race through his leg. He ignores it, forcing his attention into something more important. How did he get to his mom's house? The last thing he remembers is being in the Bounty.. and the fire. Oh god, the fire. He looks up hurriedly, scanning the room in search of his boyfriend. "Kai?" He questions, shifting to look behind him. His leg twists underneath him and he gasps in pain. What's wrong with his leg? He switches back to his original position as carefully as he can, feeling extremely confused. What happened? How did he get here? Where is-

"Lloyd. You're awake. Thank god,"

He looks up, immediately spotting Kai in the doorway to the compact living room. Relief surges through him and he puffs out a breath he wasn't aware he had been holding. "Kai, he breathes, sagging back into the chair. "What happened?"

Kai doesn't move into the room like Lloyd thought he would. He remains by the entrance, staring at the floor anxiously as if he has something to hide. "The Bounty... burnt down," he mumbles, as if he's afraid to say it, like speaking the words aloud automatically make it true. It's already true though. He just doesn't want to believe it. 

"How did I get here?" Lloyd questions, beckoning for Kai to join him on the couch. 

Kai shakes his head very slowly,"I carried you here on my elemental dragon, greenie," he huffs out something vaguely like a laugh,"You should've seen the view, our home burning down, all the flames and the smoke filling the sky," he mumbles, his gaze remaining fixed on the dull carpet. He doesn't blink,"It was pretty, if you squinted."

Lloyd doesn't know what to say to that. He can't help but think that it he's been able to see the "view" he probably would've thought it pretty too. "Kai.. are you okay?" He questions, eyeing his boyfriend cautiously 

Kai nods,"Yeah, of course I am," And an obviously faux smile slips onto his face,"I mean, as okay as I can be considering our home has been burnt to the ground and Sensei's going to absolutely pulverise me," He chuckle painfully. 

"Why will Sensei pulverise you? The fire wasn't your fault, right?" Lloyd asks, attempting to stand up then deciding against it. There is definitely something up with his leg. 

"The Treggi spaghetti set on fire, greenie," he mumbles, leaning against the doorframe with a defeated sigh,"I forgot about the goddam spaghetti and that makes it my fault,"

"It wasn't intentional. Accidents happen. I should know since I am one," Lloyd replies with a halfhearted smirk. "We're both alive and that's what matters," he pays the space on the couch next to him once again,"Stop overthinking and get over here," He can barely believe he just said that; the words are so unlike him, not to mention hypocritical since he's always overthinking. 

Kai pauses for a moment, seeming to debate his options before sighing and making his way to the couch. He sits down next to Lloyd, his eyes directed downwards. "Your mom's house is nice," Kai mumbles, glancing at the blond beside him. 

"No, it's not," Lloyd replies,"The only good thing is the garden and it's a fucking mess," He stares at Kai for a moment, trying to determine what could be different. Kai's acting strange maybe it's because of the fire, maybe not. "Thanks for saving my life," Lloyd says, reaching out to touch his fingers to Kai's, a delicate gesture. 

Kai cups Lloyd's fingers in his own and brings them into his lap, causing the other to shuffle closer with a barely concealed wince. "Are you hurt?" He questions, guilty expression melting into one of concern. His eyes immediately dear over Lloyd's body, searching for any sign of a wound. He can't see anything. 

"I'm good," Lloyd replies, utterly ignoring the fact that what must be an injury of some kind situated on his lower leg has begun to throb painfully. He doesn't know why he's lying, and it kinda scares him. He shouldn't be hiding his, yet he is. It reminds him of having to hide bruises and cuts Garmadon gave him from his mother. Garmadon was abusive, to both of them. He manipulated Misako, filled her brain with self-doubt and lies upon lies upon lies. Everything boils down to lies when regarding their mess of a family. Garmadon made Misako believe she needed him, when really she needed the opposite. She needed to grab her son and run as far away from that monster as possible. After Lloyd nearly died, she finally worked up the courage and did this. 

Lloyd still remembers the days of her denial after the incident. After taking him out of hospital she continued to live with Garmadonjn the house for over a month. It had been the worst month of Lloyd's life. At first, he had given Misako a little leeway. He told himself that as soon as she dealt with the paperwork, Garmadon would be out of the house and gone forever. But it didn't go like that at all. She insisted that his father didn't mean to do what he did, that it was a mistake, that he was "better now". Better now? What the hell does that even mean? Just thinking about this now makes Lloyd want to ouch something. How could she have been so blind? He remembers their conversation as if it were only yesterday. It had gone like this:

Lloyd slips in through the back door, closing it carefully behind him lest it make a noise. He slips his shoes off and places them in the designated show place before sliding out of his thin coat and hanging it up on a peg. His cheeks are still stained with half-dry tears, so he tries his best to wipe them off. It does little to help. He moves through to the living room, trying to be as silent as possible. It's late and he doesn't want to wake anyone up. He sits down on the couch and flips on the TV. He isn't really paying much attention to what's going on on the screen; it's all just blurred colours and background noise to him at the moment. He didn't put the TV on to watch it, only to have a sound to focus on. He doesn't care about what the characters are saying, only the way their voices sound, merged together with the turmoil inside his head. It's only the slightest bit soothing, but it's better than nothing. 

Misako enters the room a few minutes later looking dishevelled. Her eyes are bloodshot and she moves with weak, shaky steps that give the impression that she may collapse at a moments notice. 

Lloyd looks up when the door to the loving room slides open and worry blossoms inside him almost immediately. He takes the fabric of his sleeve between his fingers and begins fiddling with it. "Did he hit you again, mommy?" He questions, anxiously chewing on his lip. 

"It didn't hurt," she replies, then, after a moment, "I'm fine, honey. You don't need to worry," 

Lloyd thinks for a moment before shaking his head, refusing to accept her pitiful excuse. "He tried to kill me," he says,"Do you love him? How can you love him? He's a villain, mommy,"

Misako sighs, runs a shaky hand through her tangled hair, then moves to sit down next to her 8 year old son. "Lloyd, sometimes people make mistakes. They do bad things that hurt other people, but that doesn't not make them a villain, okay?" She turns to face him with a sympathetic expression. "The world isn't black and white. It's a mess of colours no one it's purely evil or purely good. Your father just made a mistake."

Lloyd shakes his head slowly,"Not my father," he mumbles. His fingernails dig into the fabric of his sleeve. He can feel it on his skin and it hurts. 

Misako's gaze drops to Lloyd's hands. She frowns. "Don't do that, honey," she says, worry flickering across her face in bursts between emotions of a different kind. She reaches forward to touch him. 

He pulls away from her, curling into the corner of the couch, his green eyes wide. "Not my father, he repeats,"He's bad, mommy. He hurt me and he's hurting you. I don't like him," 

Misako reaches for the remote and switches off the TV. "Lloyd, listen to me. Your father doesn't mean to hurt us. He makes bad decisions. That's all it is. He loves you very much," She reaches out to touch him again, action tentative. 

He stands up, backing away form her hurriedly. His eyes are glazed over but fixed on her. "No," he forces out. All of him is trembling. "He's mean and he hits me and he shouts at me and I'm scared," he whimpers, wrapping his arms around himself,"I don't want to live with him anymore, mommy. I want him to go away," he tells her. 

"Don't be selfish, Lloyd." Misako retorts, pinching the bridge of her nose and hanging her head with a sigh. She looks exhausted, a pale glittery suggestion of a person who's barely holding on. "He's trying his best," She murmurs weakly. Doubt leaves a sour taste in her mouth. "He's trying. The least we can do is give him another chance,"

Lloyd snaps out of his frightened haze and glares at her in the mildly adorable way only an 8 year old can perfect. "How old do I have to be to move out?" 

Misako is taken aback. Then she chuckles softly, rubbing at her eyes. "An adult, honey. I know you're not serious,"

But he is serious. "What age is an adult?" He questions. 

"Over 18, honey," Misako replies, moving toget up,"Look, Lloyd, it's late. You're clearly overtired and need some rest. Would you like a hot chocolate before bed?" She smiles at him warmly. 

Lloyd isn't listening and he wouldn't have answered even if he were. He's busy counting. "10," he says after a minute of silence. 

"10?" Misako repeats, confused. 

Lloyd nods. "Yes. 10 years and then I can move out. I'm nearly 9, so is actually 9 years and 2 months," 

Misako opens her mouth to respond, but no words come out. 

Lloyd looks at her for a moment more, his expression unclear, then he stifles a yawn with his hand and turns to leave the room without saying anything more. He doesn't even look back. 

~

Lloyd is brought back to the present by another stab of pain form his constantly throbbing leg. He ignores it again and turns to look at Kai. 

Kai's not there. 

He frowns, worry biting into him almost as sharply as the pain racing through his leg. He suddenly finds he can't ignore it. It's gone from a low ache to a constant stabbing burst. His leg feels hot and wrong, as if he's being burned. He winces, slowly moving into a standing position. He needs to tell Kai about this. He sways. Dizziness prickles through him as coloured stars obscure his vision. He tips forward. The last thing he sees is the floor racing towards him before blackness overtakes everything.


	15. Things go a little flippy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for how long it took to post this mess of a chapter. It was difficult to write as my medical knowlege is extremely limited but here it is. :)
> 
> TW: Mentions of self harm, relapsing and past suicide attempt. Possible gore?? (I can't tell whether it is or not so I'll mention it just to be safe.)

Kai stands in the small kitchen, a half empty mug of tea clutched in his hands. The too-hot ceramic burns his skin but he can't quite bring himself to stop touching it. The pain is rather nice. He knows he's fucked up. Relapsing in the way he has after so many years clean us one of the most abhorrent feelings ever. He promised his sister after his suicide attempt that he'd never hurt himself again, yet here he is. Tears burn in his eyes once again so he squeezes them shut. God, he missed this. The thing about self harm is that it varies from person to person. For some people it's a one time thing, but for others it can become an addiction. It is a perpetual cycle of negativity and pain. And god... isn't it interesting in a way? It's odd how most people avoid pain and some crave it, Kai thinks.

He needs to tell Lloyd. Poor, innocent, beautiful Lloyd doesn't know about this.. this addiction of his. They promised to each other there would be no more lies, so Kai must keep to that.

He downs the rest of his tea and moves to wash out the mug. His movements are slow and sluggish; he's trying to draw this out for as long as possible to put off having to speak with Lloyd. He knows he can't put it off forever. Forever, though... it kinda loses meaning once you realise that the concept of time is made up. He places the clean mug on the drying rack next to the sink and blows out along sigh. He's not ready for this, but us his own fault for relapsing in the first place. He switches the light off and leaves the room, anxiety bubbling up inside his chest.

When he opens the door to the living room he is met with a sight that utterly petrifies him. Lloyd's lying face down in the floor, his limbs splayed across the carpet in extremely odd positions. His eyes are closed and it's clear he's not conscious.

Kai's by his side in an instant. He rolls Lloyd into his side and begins looking him over worriedly. He's pale, apart for two splotches of red in his cheeks and when Kai touches his palm to Lloyd's forehead, the heat radiating from him is frightening. He manoeuvres his boyfriend back up onto the couch and kiss him across it with a cushion to support his head.

Lloyd stirs at this and his eyelids flicker for a moment before growing still again. "Oww.." he groans, rolling over on the couch.

"Lloyd... can you hear me? What's hurting you?" Kai questions, anxiously righting the cushion behind Lloyd's head before it has the chance to fall to the floor.

"Leg," Lloyd murmurs, his eyelids flickering again. He's clearly trying to open his eyes, but to no avail.

Kai switches his attention elsewhere. He gently fingers the fabric of Lloyd's trouser leg and begins to ease it up. It drags against Lloyd's skin, causing the blond to cry out in pain.

Kai freezes, mumbling a quick "sorry" to his barely conscious boyfriend before continuing, even slower this time. The fabric's worn and stained with red but he finally manages to tug it off, revealing a sight that makes Kai mildly revolted. He's used to the sight of burns as he always inflicted them on himself, but he's never seen one infected before. The entire half of Lloyd's leg is streaked with dark crimson blood. The wound is large and ringed with swollen red skin. He can practically feel how hot it is without having to touch it. "Jesus.." Kai gasps, eyes growing wide. He doesn't know what to do. He is utterly out of his depth.

"Hurts.." Lloyd murmurs, his face creased with pain.

Kai feels terrible. He runs his fingers through Lloyd's soft blond hair, noticing the way he leans into the touch with a small sigh. "I know it hurts, greenie," he mumbles in a weak attempt to calm him. He hopes Misako was wise enough to keep a good stock of medical supplies. He glances back at Lloyd's leg, concern filtering through him. "I'm gonna go see what medical supplies we got, okay? I'll be back in a second, Lloydie," he informs Lloyd he bends over and carefully touches a kiss to his boyfriend's forehead before standing up properly and heading in the direction of the door. He enters the kitchen and stands still.

The kitchen is small, really small. He's never going to get used to this, he realises. The cupboards are painted and wooden, covered in old scratch marks and dents from prior use. The paint is peeling off in places, revealing patches of darker, cleaner looking wood. The cupboards are clustered together next to the fridge and attached to the wall in such a way that he cannot tell how it has been done. There are three of them.

He goes to the first one and tugs it open using the metal handle. It staggers open in a sudden, shaky motion. The shelves inside are mostly bare, rest a couple of gravy sachets, a half empty packet of white chocolate chips left open and one tub of Cadbury's hot chocolate powder. He closes the cupboard door quickly, his anxiety levels rising. What if he has to take Lloyd to the hospital? He'll have to if they don't have anything to deal with the injury.

He goes to the second cupboard which is a little easier to open. Its full of medical supplies. Packets of painkillers, bottles of cough medicine,boxes of antibacterial wipes, bandaids with dinosaurs on, bandages rolled up into tight little balls sat on top of a few tubs of cream. From the looks of things, Misako knew what she was doing.

He reaches in and takes out a packet of painkillers, some bandages and a small tub of cream with a blue and white label stuck across its side. Then he closes the door and deposits the items on the small marble counter underneath the cupboards. He's going to have to find something to deal with Lloyd's fever.

After a few minutes of searching through the cupboards lower to the ground he finds a clean dishcloth. He soaks it in cold water and wrings it out over the sink so it's only damp and not sipping wet. He returns to the living room with everything bundled up in his arms. Lloyd's awake and staring at Kai with large unfocused eyes that drift around the room then slide back to him again every few seconds. Tears dot his cheeks and he's visibly shivering.

Kai dumps his armful of items down on the small table beside the couch. The damp dishcloth remains in his hands, a cold gross feeling weight against his skin. He moves to the couch and hands the cloth to Lloyd. "Lie down and out this in your forehead, okay?" He tells him.

Lloyd leans back and does as instructed. His actions are slow and sluggish, interrupted with winces of pain and glimmers of discomfort.

Kai gnaws on his lip, both worry and uncertainty battling inside of him. He blames himself. This is all his fault for stupidly letting the spaghetti start a fire. His own careless mistake is costing the person he loves happiness and causing them pain. Guilt grows within him like a gigantic weed. It's shoots curl around his insides and tighten to constrict him, forcing all of the air out of his lungs. His next inhalation is nothing more than an empty wheeze. He's panicking, he realises, and frustration empowers more shoots to spring forth. He can't freak out now; Lloyd needs him. He has to be calm, but he has no idea how. Just the prospect of serenity suddenly seems so far away. He stares at his hands. They're shaking, so he clenches them into fists and presses his eyes tightly shut. Worrying is not going to solve his problems, but it's difficult to stop something he doesn't know how to control.

"Kai.. are you okay?" Lloyd questions, moving to sit up. The cloth falls from his head and drops to the floor.

Kai nods, swallowing thickly. He bends over and picks up the cloth. "Lie back down," he tells Lloyd,"I'm fine, but your leg isn't, so you need to stop moving around," He hands the cloth back to Lloyd, avoiding eye contact.

Lloyd makes a sound halfway between a sigh and a groan. "I'm fine, hothead,' he flashes a slightly strained grin at his boyfriend. It feels odd, but he doesn't care.

"You passed out. Your leg is infected and you have a fever. What part of that is remotely fine?" He moves to Lloyd's side so that he's towering over him. "Lie down," he orders, pushing Lloyd back into the cushions of the couch. "Now stay," he says and the corners of his lips twist upwards a little. It's situations like these where he realises how much he loves the green ninja. Instead of being frustrated by his stubbornness, Kai finds himself endeared. It's just something about the way the blond stares up at him with fiery determination despite his obvious pain and exhaustion, that has him hooked.

Lloyd looks away while Kai cleans the wound, his teeth hooked over his lip and his eyes screwed shut in pain. He doesn't want to look at his leg, suddenly fearful of what he may find. His imagination has a tendency to be overactive in the worst ways sometimes. Who knows what shit it could create about a situation like this.

Kai cleans the burn carefully, each wipe of antibacterial cloth done with precision. He doesn't want to hurt Lloyd. Once the wound is clean he proceeds to treat it with burn cream and wraps it up in a bandage.

"Thanks," Lloyd mumbles, his voice breathy. He glances at Kai from where he's sat up on the couch, his eyes slightly unfocused. He's finding it difficult to remain conscious.

"Lie down," Kai orders again and this time Lloyd doesn't protest, only flops back, exhausted, against the cushions.

Kai tugs the green ninja's trouser leg back over the bandaged burn and sighs, content for the moment that things will be alright.

Lloyd's already asleep, his eyes closed in the shape of little half moons facing upwards. The sight makes Kai smile and a warm fuzzy feeling grows inside of him. He places the cold cloth back on Lloyd's forehead and takes a seat on the armchair opposite him.

The others are on their way and Sensei is bound to be mad when he finds out it's his fault the Bounty is no more. In this moment though, none of this matters because the person he cares about most in the world is okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone reading this, stay safe :D


End file.
